


In His Arms

by zaniamsextoy



Category: One Direction
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, zaniam - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2013-07-25
Packaged: 2017-12-14 01:47:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 28,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/831310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaniamsextoy/pseuds/zaniamsextoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn is in a relationship with Niall, but can't stop thinking about his other bandmate, Liam Payne.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! Here's another story I've held back from you guys. Don't forget to leave comments! I like talking to new people, and lemme know what you guys think! :D

I am but a slave in his arms.

He wraps those strong, sinewy arms around my waist as we embrace for a long moment before leaving to our separate flats. It’s a routine hug we always shared since the first days of X-Factor. That’s where our friendship had blossomed in the first place. But to me, the hug has stopped turning friendly a long time ago. I feel more when he hugs me.

A spark, if you will.

They’re no longer just Liam’s arms. They are the property to the boy who I’ve fallen head over heels in love with.

I sniff in his tantalizing scent that can only be described as Liam. If he sold a cologne resembling his scent, I would buy the entire stock and warehouse, just so I could engulf myself in his smell. I would spray the cologne all over my body, thinking of him taking me from behind. His hair swept over my spine as he pushed deep inside of me, a loud growl coursing through his hard chest and through his juicy, pouty lips as he lost himself inside of me, and I lost myself in his arms.

Yes . . . it’s been difficult, nonetheless, to be so close to Liam and want so much more. But I take his embraces when they come. Right now, he’s hugging me the usual way. His arms are tight around my waist, his chin resting on my head as I secretly indulge in his masculine, sweet smell. He lets go after a moment, but I hold him for a second longer before pulling away. The sun is in his eyes, causing those cute, puppy dog eyes to sparkle like a million stars in the night sky. 

“See ya tomorrow there, Zee,” he smiled, rubbing my shoulder before walking to his car.

Danielle had been sitting in the passenger seat, staring at me with a full-on, hateful glare.

I blushed, looking away.

I guess she noticed my lingering on her boyfriend. But quite honestly, I didn’t care because now Liam’s scent was on me, and as I made my way to my car parked across the lot, I sunk my nose down to the hem of my shirt and took in his scent in long, deep breaths. I don’t think I would ever get tired of Liam’s scent. But it always weighed heavy on my heart.

For a while, Niall and I started a fling we’ve been keeping to ourselves. Which was definitely hard to keep from the boys. Of course Niall wanted to tell them, to tell them to back off and that I was his, but I fought against it. My excuse was that I wasn’t ready to be exclusive, and didn’t want to put myself out their because I’ve been hurt far too many times. Which was a lame . . . and totally bogus cop out because the only person I’ve ever been with was Niall.

He didn’t need to know though.

For me, he was just a nice commodity for when the nights started to turn sour. Mostly, when I would dream about being in Liam’s arms. Niall was more than happy to oblige and had a driver drop him off to my flat where he would take me, and hopefully erase Liam from my thoughts. But even with making love, it was difficult because my mind always roamed to the tall, brown-eyed, completely cheeky boy who I wished was making love to me instead. 

I sighed before jumping into the driver seat. And before I knew it, I was dialing Niall’s number. He answered on the first ring.

“Hey babe,” he said in his thick Irish accent. “Something got you down?”

I tapped on the steering wheel, keeping the feelings of Liam to myself. I know if Niall was to find it, it would break his heart into pieces. And I hate what I was doing to him. Using him as a toy. He didn’t deserve it. But no matter how much times I told myself to end it with him, I would immediately think about ending up alone, and I hold my tongue. Don’t get me wrong, I love Niall. Most definitely. But it’s a different type of love. Something less substantial to the way I feel when I think about Liam. With Niall, it feels more like a passing phase. And with Liam, it’s raw, so animalistic, what I yearn, what I need, to be challenged. Niall just gives into me so easily. I don’t want a perfect, neutral relationship. I need to be pushed, to be tested, to feel that searing fire of passion that only appears when two people are fighting for dominance, for love. 

“Can you meet me at my flat?” I asked, scratching my head, thinking if this was a good idea. “I don’t think I can stand being alone tonight.” I can hear Josh laughing in the background, and what sounds like a bag of chip, crinkling in the distance. “If you’ve got company, that’s okay. I’ll just call it an early night. No big deal.” But my voice is pained. I really needed Niall to block out Liam . . . even if it was for only a short while. 

“Yeah sure, of course,” he agreed instantly. “Anything for you. I’ll see you there. Are you still at the studio?” 

I nodded at first, but then inwardly laughed at myself when I realized Niall couldn’t see me. “Yeah, I am,” I said eventually, turning the ignition on, a wave of soft R&B music filling the car. “If you get there before me, my spare key is hiding in the fire hose case next to the door. There’s a secret compartment on the left side.”

Niall chuckled. “I think I remember from the last time I stopped by. Reckon I should pack an overnight bag and we can just have breakfast and drive to rehearsal together. Do you mind if Josh gives me a ride, and we can take your car to work tomorrow?”

That was another thing. Niall let it slip to Josh about our thing. Well, to me it was a thing. Niall confided in Josh that I was his boyfriend. And sure the thought made a part of me lighten up, but the dark thought that was always Liam loomed above me like a dark cloud. 

“Yeah, of course,” I agreed, taking in a big gulp of air to relieve some stress, or quite possibly some unyielding sexual tension. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Alright.” I think Niall goes to hang up, and I do to, but he’s stopping me. “Hey babe,” he said, and I placed the phone back to my ear. “I love you.”

It’s like taking a bullet to the heart every time he says it. My eyes have closed and I clench my teeth, trying to keep my breath steady. “I love you too,” I responded, not entirely lying, but deep down I know it’s not the kind of love he has for me. “See ya.” And I hang up before I say anything else, or before my voice falters and fails me. 

It is a cold day in December and I turn on the heater to defog the windows. My body is sweating, but in no means is it because of the heater. My chest is hot, feeling like a complete tool for pretending to love Niall like he loved me. I tried putting in more effort, to love Niall how he deserves and wants to be loved, but the feeling never last long. That’s because my heart is fully taken by Liam. I sighed, putting the car in drive and driving down the calm, freshly-snowed, cobblestone streets. 

When I get home, Niall is on the couch with a bowl of chips on his stomach, watching a local cartoon broadcast that has him laughing uncontrollably. His cheeks are bright red, head thrown back, and although I feel guilty, I can’t help but crack a small smile. I wish Niall was good enough for me, or I became what he needed me to be. It would be so much easier. After all, being able to do what you love, with the person you love, that always seems to be the goal in everyone’s life. Perhaps I needed to negotiate my outlooks and finally put an end to these unnecessary feelings for a boy who is already blissfully happy with the girl of his dreams, and settle down for what is good, and available. 

Before I know it, I fall onto the couch next to Niall, and he wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me against him. I look into his ocean blue eyes. Niall leans down and plants a sloppy kiss on my lips. He taste of sour cream and onion. Probably from the chips. He cupped my cheek, pushing his tongue between my terse lips, and awakening my tongue in motion with his. I give him this moment, and move my mouth with his, running my hand over the thin layer of his loose tank top, and on his defined, washboard abs. He has grown considerably older both physically and mentally since we began. His state of mind had changed controllably, and he wasn’t the very shy, always-turn-red Irish lad that he started out to be. He grew a lot more confidence and demanded attention. As he changed physically, Niall was handsome. His platinum blonde hair had gotten darker, his cheekbones more defined, he got considerably taller, and worked out so his muscles were becoming a little more enhanced. As for his choice of style, he wore loose tank tops with tight jeans and a backwards baseball cap. He had all the looks and charm of a drop dead hunk. A hunk of handsome and caring man that was irrevocably in love with me.

I pulled away from the kiss, taking a large gulp of cold, fresh air when I realized that I wasn’t breathing. Niall’s lips are red and his blue eyes have gotten considerably darker. I smiled at him, nuzzling close to his side and distracting myself with the television. I can feel the moment release from his chest, and his hold on me had turned less passionately, to more comforting. 

We sit like this for an hour, watching more British sitcoms on the television. There’s one boy on screen that embodies Liam, and I shut my eyes for a while to let the image flush away. But even the tone in his voice is like Liam’s: very controlled, whimsical and smart. I nuzzled closer to Niall’s chest, smelling in his scent. He wore expensive cologne, and was nothing how Liam smelt. I’m sure Liam used a light deodorant, but most of his smell came from it being just Liam. Niall on the other hand, it seemed as if he bathed in the high-end stuff. Secretly, I lift the collar of my shirt over my nose, breathing in Liam’s lingering scent, and moaning softly as I felt the warmth and hardness of Li---Niall beside me. 

Niall gulped.

“Zee, come on, mate. You’re teasing me here. The first time you pull away, and now, you can’t seem to keep your hands off me.” I hadn’t noticed my hands were now running along Niall’s long torso, trailing down . . . down till it reached the growing bulge pushing against his zipper. I shut my eyes once more, sinking my hand underneath the denim and the elastic of his boxers and grabbing hold to Niall’s hot, long and throbbing cock. “Oh shit, Zee,” he said through clenched teeth, slowly thrusting himself inside of my hand. 

With my eyes still closed, I inhale Liam’s scent on my shirt, moving down between Niall’s thighs, unzipping his jeans and bringing them around his ankles. Another big gulp of Liam, and I teasingly, with small licks of my tongue, start tasting Li---Niall. He’s salty and undeniably scorching. Remembering the scent of Liam, I open my mouth wider taking in the incredibly hard cock until the tip of the large head is pressing against my esophagus. I reveled in the taste, the smell, the filling of being somehow . . . complete. Or possibly the illusion of being complete. My fingers are traveling up the length of the cock, stroking it vigorously, wanting the gooey gift it would inevitably produce. But there are hands on my shoulders, pushing me back, grabbing me and throwing me into the softness of the sofa. 

Niall turned me around, my stomach and hidden erection being thrusted into the couch. I can feel his hands tearing at the denim, pushing them off my plump ass and to the ankles of my feet. He pushes my ass cheeks apart and I can feel his length on my sphincter, slowly pushing into me, filling me. I bite on my shirt, eyes closed, clawing my fingers into the sofa, coping with the pressure. Liam’s strong scent whiffs through my nose, and I moan loudly.  _Oh Liam. How would it feel to make love to you? How would you taste? Feel? Completing me? Fucking me until my senses heightened and collapsed all at the same time?_  Biting my shirt, I bring it closer to my nose, the smell becoming stronger as I pretend Liam is the one fucking me senseless into the couch. I moaned loudly, biting my lip until I tasted copper on my tongue.  _Fuck Liam feels so good . . ._  My eyes are closed, riding him out as he, not once breaking rhythm, continued to fuck me senseless. He pushes deep inside of, then eases out slowly, then back again, causing an erotic friction to spike through my spine, and arch into his sweaty, chiseled chest. I can feel the blood boiling in my erection, feel the more stuttering response invading me, knowing full well that we were both to unleash at the same time. 

“Zayn,” the voice is dark, needy as he groans loudly spilling himself into me, feeling wired for being so full, and so satisfied.

“Oh fuck. Liam,” I screamed, cumming onto the dark fabric and collapsing right on top of it. A crinkle of a smile appeared on my lips, and I chuckle to myself, catching my breath. The body in back of me has grown stiff, and in a daze, vaguely remember that it wasn’t Liam who was slamming me into pure bliss, but Niall! Suddenly my stomach is flipping in my stomach. And I’m afraid to open my eyes. 

“Liam,” Niall said softly, hurt. His voice is frantic. I just said another boy’s name. Not just another boy’s name, but Liam’s! Niall must be fucking pissed. My throat is suddenly dirt dry, and I’m afraid to open my eyes, let alone move. “Liam, what are you doing here?”

My eyes blink open faster than a NASCAR racer. When I open my eyes, a pure vision of Liam in all his American boy glory, trimmed hair spiked into an incredibly sexy hairdo, his perfect face, enhanced with the sight of his sultry, brown eyes, and the cute birthmark on the side of his neck that I thought about frequently, having between my teeth. 

Oh no, Liam! He’s here! And he’s just caught me getting fucked by Niall. His face is unreadable but his cheeks are scorching hot, undeniably a dark red. He looks at me---possibly Niall or both of us, before walking backwards, his face in shock, and shutting the door behind him. My heart sinks into the deepest part of my stomach, and I fall exhaustedly, trying not to shed any tears onto the upholstery. Soon Niall falls on top of me, his weight becoming stifling. I can’t breathe, but the intimacy is tempting. I crave to be loved. To be warm against his body. 

Against Liam’s body.

I closed my eyes, hoping that this was all just a bad dream. 


	2. Chapter 2

\----------------

 

I pulled away from my best mate, staring down into his soft, hazel-brown eyes. We have come a long way from X-factor, and out of everything that has happened to us, of One Direction, I’m glad, with all honesty, that I had met a good, noble friend like Zayn. Zayn seems happy, staring back at me, intently. “See ya tomorrow there, Zee,” I said, walking back to my car a short distance away. When I opened the door and sat down, Danielle pulled at my collar and planted a fat kiss on my lips, her glossy, pink lipstick smearing onto my face. “Whoa there, babe. What’s that all about?”

“Can’t a girl just express her feelings once in a while,” she smiled at me, but her eyes seemed fixed on something else. I looked back to follow her gaze, but there was no one. Just the empty lot I had just come from with Zayn. She pouted her full lips and I leaned once more to give a quick kiss. “Lets go to dinner,” she suggested, jumping back into her seat. 

I smiled, thinking about the hug with Zayn. He seems bothered by something. I was planning to go visit him at his flat with some pizza and pop, but how can I deny my girlfriend? Especially when she’s cheeky like a little schoolgirl. I’ll visit him after I drop her off, I decide, pulling out of the parking lot and heading down to my favorite restaurant at the Homeland Hotel. When we arrive, I open the door for her, before valet could and handed the chap, who looked my age, my keys and he took it smiling widely. It was nothing much. Just last year’s Audi edition I got as a present from my parents. I still didn’t know what to think about it. I wasn’t much of a pompous, over-the-top kind of guy, but I couldn’t refuse my father and mother’s infectious grin when they handed me the keys for the first time. 

Danielle and I walk into the white paneled lobby, decked with golden colored brass, lining the edges and corners of the wall, and a marvelous Greek painting of angels on the roof, that looked marvelously exquisite. Danielle takes a hold of my arm, wrapping hers around mine, and we make our way to the restaurant across the way. At once, without reservation, the hostess offered us the best table in the house. A private partition with a spectacular view of London, and also some needed seclusion. There were only a few paparazzi men outside, but still, the welcome change of being under radar was a bit appealing. The hostess laid out the menu and walked away to give us some time to decide. Danielle haphazardly skimmed through the menu, and chose to go with something healthy, her original, a plain salad with no dressing. I, on the other hand, ordered the steak with mash and corn. A dish my father always made for me when we would have a family barbecue. I sipped on my water, looking across the table to Danielle. She was a masterpiece, draped in the five hundred dollar, corduroy top I bought her with a matching, flowing skirt and beige pumps. 

“You look beautiful,” I complimented. “I’m glad you came with me to work today. For the longest time, I really wanted you to see what I do.”

“Oh, I saw more than enough work,” she said the word work sarcastically. I suddenly grew flabbergasted. What was wrong? And if she could hear my thoughts, Danielle looked at my confused expression, rolled her eyes and scoffed. “Honestly, Liam. The hugging, the touching, the ass smacks, you don’t see it, do you?” 

“See what?” my eyes narrow. What is she getting at? 

Danielle exhales sharply. “He’s got it bad for you, Liam.” She leans back in her seat, taking another look at her phone. “You can be so obtuse sometimes.”

“Obtuse,” I said, confused, shocked. “I don’t understand.”

Danielle sighed heavily, looking across the silverware to meet my wondering eyes. “Zayn, Liam. It didn’t take me more than a minute to see that he’s in love with you.”

“Of course he loves me,” I agreed, shaking my head. I loved all the boys. They were my mates. The people in my life that I would cherish forever, no matter where or what happens in our lives. “I love him too. As I do the rest of the lads.”

Danielle chuckled with a high-pitched squeal. “Oh, Liam,” she laughed. But I could sense it was a dry laugh. I heard more than enough when Louis would force a laugh at Harry’s not-so-funny jokes. He could laugh, and you’d believe it, right on cue. “I’m not talking about brotherly love. I’m talking about a you-and-me kind of love.”

“Huh?” I feel exasperated. 

“He wants into them jeans, Liam!” she raised her voice. The waitress stopped in her tracks with the tray of food in her hands. I could hear the glasses chinking in her grasp. I smiled warmly at her, motioning that it was okay. She distributed the food, curtsied, and was happy to leave the sudden heated atmosphere. Danielle’s eyes looked as if they were on fire. Even her brown curls looked as if it was aflame. “He loves you, Liam . . . like a boyfriend. He wants to be with you. It’s not that hard to see.” She chuckled, picking up her fork and taking a bite of her salad. “Unless you’re blind,” she joked, chewing. “Which obviously you must be cause aliens can see that he’s got it bad for you.”

“Zayn?” I said his name, unsure. Zayn wants to be my . . . boyfriend? That thought never did cross my name. He was my mate. My best mate! Surely she was just bitten with the jealousy bug because I’ve never seen it. We all played around with each other. It’s what made us One Direction. But somehow, I start to think of our hug in the parking lot. I mean, that was a normal thing for us to do. A goodbye gesture. But today, it did feel a little different. It did seem like Zayn wanted to hold me for a little while longer, and when I did pull away, he looked a little hurt . . . No! It can’t be! Zayn loves me as a best friend! Not a---a lover! “He’s my best friend, Dani. If Zayn was gay, which I know he’s not, he’s dating Perrie, he would at least confide in me about it.”

Again, Danielle scoffed. “You truly are the innocent one of the group,” she said. “So naive,” she took another bite of her salad. I shook my head at her, not wanting to drag this out anymore. It truly made my head hurt, and my stomach woozy. We spend the remainder of dinner in silence, Danielle, talking on the phone with her director, and waving me to get the check. I waved the waitress and she came back with the bill. I passed her my card and she disappeared. 

“Raul says I need to stop by the studio. There’s been an urgent meeting for the dancers,” she said, picking up her animal print bag from the extra seat beside her. She stands up, just as the waitress came back with my card. I thanked her, handed her a fair tip, put my wallet away and walked back outside with Danielle’s arm around my own. 

The same valet drove back with my car. I handed him a tip and opened the door for Danielle, before heading to the driver seat. The sun was just setting when I dropped her off at the studio. We only exchanged pleasantries, and she did not bring up the thing about Zayn, again. She kissed me chastely, patting my cheeks, and closed the door behind her. 

I waited till she disappeared through the rotating doors before heading over to Zayn’s flat. Even with the Danielle nonsense, I still needed to see my best friend, to make sure he was okay. I decided on skipping the pizza though. I was stuffed and hoped that Zayn already had something to eat, and if not, we could go out again to a restaurant if he were hungry. I drive down Wicker Drive, heading south to the heart of London. Parking on a side street, I hurried for his place, the lights for the car alarm blinking once behind me. Luckily, there are no paparazzi outside and the lobby is fairly empty when I arrive. The elevator door opens and I step in, pressing “7” on the control pad. I hope Zayn liked my surprise of being here. Maybe he would feel better? 

I smiled at the thought. Anything to make my best mate happy. Besides, Danielle said she’d catch a ride home with Raul, and maybe I can stay for the night, like old times. I smiled at the thought of having a sleepover with Zayn. We’d pig out all night, watching movies, until sleep inevitably found us. 

The elevator door reopened and I walked across the stretch of hallway to Zayn’s door. I knocked. But there was no answer. I tried a couple more times and shrugged my shoulder. Zayn has always said I was welcomed anytime, and he told me where he hid the spare key to his place. I grabbed the key from the fire hose cabinet, unlocked the door and put it back. 

I opened the door, hearing faint noises coming from within. When I opened it further, what I see surprises me. Scratch that. It  _surprises_  the  _fuck_  out of me. Zayn is in the arms . . . of Niall. And not just in his arms. But getting totally smashed into the black sofa. They’re both facing the door, Zayn gripping himself and Niall, I feel like vomiting, pushing inside Zayn roughly, haggardly. Both of their eyes are closed, unaware that I’m staring while they fuck each other completely senseless. I know I shouldn’t be watching, that I should close the door before they catch me, and pretend like I just didn’t see them together. Niall and Zayn? When? How?

Why? 

I suddenly feel hot. Angry. 

My cheeks are growing red. I can feel them. 

“Zayn,” Niall moans, shaking on top of him like an earthquake. And I know what’s happening, and I know I shouldn’t be watching, but my eyes are unblinking, and my feet are suddenly superglued to the floor. 

“Oh fuck. Liam.” And Zayn is shooting his cum all over the couch cushion. 

I am in complete shock. Liam? He said my name! I clearly heard him! I know my mind isn’t playing tricks on me, unless I hope it isn’t because this is completely screwed up, but undoubtedly Zayn screamed my name. And he cummed. A lot. And I wanted to pry my eyes away from my best friend, and forget that he screamed my name while he climaxed. 

Was he thinking of me? Is what Danielle said true? Maybe I am too blind to see it?

No! It can’t be. 

I realized I’ve been staring blankly ahead, not knowing when Niall’s blue eyes met mines, and he froze in place. “Liam,” he said, frantic, possibly embarrassed. His cheeks were suddenly the color of strawberries. Possibly just like mine. “Liam, what are you doing here?” he asked. 

And just like that, Zayn’s eyes flashed open and I’m looking him, his heavy lidded eyes blocking most of his hazel eyes. They’re suddenly shocked and suddenly a flush is erasing all the color from his face. 

I’ve been caught. And now my body seems to be working properly. 

I walked backwards, not saying a word, closing the door behind me. I dashed for the elevator, pushing the down button, hoping it wouldn’t take long to get here. Niall’s face? Zayn’s face? Niall and Zayn? Together? But---?

I frantically push the down button, looking back to see that the door to Zayn’s door hasn’t opened. I would just die if they walked out and caught me now . . . Caught me, though? I was already caught! I had been staring at the both of them as the orgasmed with each other. My breathing is turning ragged and I feel beads of sweat pull on my forehead. 

Finally, the elevator door opens. I repeatedly hit the closed button; the last thing I seeing is the door to Zayn’s flat door opening. 

*   *   *   *   *

My heart has finally calmed. Although a light snow fell from the sky and the temperature was decreasing from it being nighttime, all my windows were steamed as I suddenly opened my eyes, the memory of what had just happened, what I had just witnessed, burned into my equilibrium. 

Danielle was right! Zayn is gay! 

Why didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t Niall tell me that he was as well? 

I pondered why they would keep their thing a secret. Maybe they were scared, I thought. Perhaps ashamed? But what was their to be ashamed about? Louis and Harry were openly in love with each other, well behind closed doors, due to management ordeals, but they should have known that none of us would judge them. 

In back of my mind, Zayn screaming my name is ringing in my ears. Is Danielle right about that too? Is he really in love with me? More than a brother? Why keep it a secret?

 _“Oh fuck. Liam.”_  His voice rings in my ear, again and suddenly, I feel something between my legs twitch. My fingers claw into the steering wheel, fighting the stirring urge inside of me. 


	3. Chapter 3

\---------------

 

The elevator closed when I opened my door a fraction to see if Liam had left. I could hear Niall stirring in back of me, and a little while later, he pressed himself against me, looking into the deserted hallway. Holy shit! Liam just caught me getting fucked by Niall! And he heard me scream his name as I climaxed! I am in so much deep shit. Niall doesn’t say anything about it though. And I’m guessing he probably thought me screaming Liam’s name was because he was standing in front of the door watching us. I sighed in relief. That was one huge hurdle that I didn’t have to worry about. Niall wrapped his toned arm around my waist and placed butterfly kisses on the top of my shoulders. “Maybe it’s for the best, Zee. For me at least, I think it’s a good thing Liam caught us so we don’t have to hide our feelings we have for each other anymore. Although, I’m sure things’ll be a little embarrassing on your part.” He chuckled lightly against my earlobe. “Can’t imagine having the ‘I’m gay’ speech to your best friend.”

Niall is a hundred percent correct. For him, nothing would change because Josh,  _his_  best friend, already knew he was gay and accepted him. But what if Liam wouldn’t accept me? Or the embarrassing fact that I was madly in love with him? Would he feel repulsed? Disgusted? Would he still want to be my friend at the end of the day? My heart would break if he doesn’t. Friend or something more, I would want Liam to be in my life forever. I sighed wondering if the next time we meet that we should have the talk. Maybe I’ll go to visit him tonight? But how would I sneak away from Niall when we already made plans to spend the night together? 

“Hey babe,” Niall put his hand on my sweaty forehead, pulling me closer to his warm embrace. “It’s going to be okay. Liam’s not the kind of guy who’s gonna leave their mate just because their gay. I mean look at Hazza and Lou. When they came out, everyone accepted them because there’s nothing wrong with love. Even if it’s the same sex and millions of people say it’s an abomination and you’re going to hell. Love is love,” he whispered against my ear, and he’s so comforting it makes me melt. “Besides if I’m condemned to the pits of fire, I’m definitely gonna savor every moment in heaven with you.”

I turned to face Niall, unraveling from his grasp. His eyes looked warm, welcoming. He smiled, cupping a hand over my cheek. “That’s right, Zayn. You are my heaven.” His smile widens and he looks at me dreamily. “Every time I’m with you, I feel like I’m flying millions of miles over the world. My heart beats stronger when I’m with you and I feel alive, free. You make me feel otherworldly, Zayn. You’re my angel.” 

I can feel tears falling down my cheeks. That has to be the most sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. And before I know it, I’m engulfing myself in his embrace and kissing him fully on the lips. I can feel Niall grinning during the kiss. 

“Suppose you want Round Two?” he smirked, licking my soft lips with his wet tongue, looking down into my tear soaked eyes. 

I opened my arms like a child, wanting Niall to wrap me in his tight embrace. He does and I cry into his chest. Tears fall freely.  _Oh Niall. I don’t know what I did to deserve you. Throughout it all, you are my guardian angel. You take care of me when I need you most. You show me unconditional love. Love that I wish I can reciprocate._

I cry into the chest of my guardian angel, still wishing that it was Liam. 

 _I’m so fucked up._  And I cry even harder, still wondering what I did to deserve someone so compassionate, loving and who definitely didn’t deserve someone as fucked up as me. 

 

*   *   *   *   *

 

Niall waited on the kitchen table playfully bumping his fork and knife on the table like an impatient child while I distributed out servings of beet soup with bread and carried them to him. Niall puckered his lips when I placed his bowl in front of him. I smiled at the gesture. I leaned down and planted a soft, quick kiss on his lips. He looked in my eyes, keeping an arm around my waist to keep me restrained. “If it wasn’t for my appetite, I’d have a taste of you,” he smirked, kissing my lips once more. “I don’t think I can ever get tired of you.”

I smiled but it grew slightly weaker.  _Oh Niall. Why can’t I be happy with you?_ I brushed the back of my hand against his cheek, looking him lovingly in the eyes. I kissed him again trying to feel a spark. But there was nothing. “Eat,” I said, sitting down beside him. 

We ate together, arm to arm. Niall stole glances every once in a while and I blushed, thinking it was one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen. “You’re so beautiful, Zayn,” he said, now, intently staring at me. “You’re the most beautiful person in the entire world.” I blushed harder, my cheeks turning rosy. Again, he brushed his warm hand against my cheek. “I don’t know what I did to deserve someone like you,” he said lovingly.  _It’s the other way around, Niall. It is I that don’t know what I did to deserve someone like you._

“I should be saying that about you, Niall. You’re sweet, loving, caring, hot.” Niall nodded his playfully, rubbing his chin with his thumb when I said it. “You are Niall.”  _And you’re gonna make someone very happy. But it’s not me. I don’t deserve you._  I just wished it was something I could say out loud. It would save him from the painful heartbreak. My stomach twists when I think about how Niall would feel if he knew my feelings weren’t the same as his.  _Would he hate me for the rest of my life? Would he leave the band? Would he never talk to me and wish I was never born?_ Probably so. And I 

sighed. 

“What’s the matter baby,” he said, grasping my chin in his hand. “You always seem so down in the dumps. It’s not me, is it?” he asked, his eyes worried.  _It’s not you, Niall. It’s me. I’m a complete asshole for using you to protect me from my own thoughts. Thoughts about the boy who I would one day want to marry and start a life with. Someone who you want to be but I can never see myself with in the future. Should I just tell you? Would that be the better alternative?_  It would, but I’m too selfish.  _I’m so sorry._

My head dropped from his hand, down to my tangled fingers. “I don’t deserve you.” And it’s the honest truth. “You’re too good for me and,” I choked on my sobbing, “you’re gonna make someone so happy.”

“Hey hey hey,” Niall said, resting his forehead against mine, “I already have my someone to take care of,” he smiled. I cried harder, denials escaping through my lips.  _I don’t deserve him!_  . .  . And who’s to say that I even deserve Liam? If by some god given chance that he would want to see where life could take us in the long run, who’s to say that I deserve him too? And why am I being such an emotional wreck? 

I wiped the tears from my eyes, grabbing our plates and taking them to the sink. Niall followed me. I didn’t want to look at him. I turned on the tap, lathering up a sponge and washing the dishes as slowly as I could. I spend ten minutes on washing two bowls and two forks. And when I finally have no other choice, I turned around keeping my head down. Walking around Niall, he grabbed my waist and kept me in place. When I heard a faint sob come from Niall, my heart dropped and I refused even more to look him in the eyes. 

“Zayn,” Niall said, controlling the sob in his voice. “If I’ve done something to offend you or make you angry, I’m sorry. Just please don’t cry. It’s breaking my heart.” 

I shake my head, fighting against my tears. “It’s not you.”

“ ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ speech?” Niall finally let go, and for once, I grew enough courage to look him straight in the eyes. His cheeks were flushed and his blue ocean had sprung a leak. I was such a terrible person. Niall scratched his head, then stuffed his hands in his pockets, his head downcast. “Just say it, Zee?” he said, his feet shaking. “Just say that I’m not good enough for you. I know I’m not the best looker this side of England. I know I’m not as stylish like Louis, or cheeky like Harry, or handsome like Liam but I just thought I would give you everything I have to make you happy, but even that’s not enough.”

“Ni---,” my voice is stuck in my dry throat.  _You’ve got it all wrong! It’s me that doesn’t deserve you! You are beautiful, Niall. Inside and out! I’m just fucked up_. I want to say it out loud, but my voice doesn’t find me. Niall wipes his tears from his cheeks and turns around, grabbing his phone from the table. “Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Niall raised his voice. “Don’t leave?” I nodded. “Zee, what’s the point of staying when you’re not happy with me? I tried my hardest to make this thing with you work. I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” I cried.  _Just not in the way you want. Please don’t be angry with me._  

Niall sighed, shaking his head, a trace of a grin on his face. “Our first fight,” he grinned, looking back at me. He walked back towards me, grabbing my chin and kissing my lips. “Don’t take this the wrong way,” his voice soft, “but I think I’m gonna head out.”

I grabbed the bottom of his shirt, keeping him in place. “Please don’t leave. Don’t be angry with me.” 

Niall ran his hand on my cheek. “I can never be angry with you. Besides,” his smile widened, “I hear that makeup sex is the best kind.”

I trudged over to the sink, dragging Niall with me until I hit the edge of the countertop. “Then makeup with me. Here. In the kitchen.”

Niall’s eyes grew darker. “You are something else, Zee,” he smiled, “but I think I would rather have you simmering, keeping you off you seat for a while to make the makeup sex even greater.” He kissed me, again. “Besides, Josh needs me to go with him back to the studio. He wants to practice his drumming lines, and doesn’t want to do them alone. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” I assured. “I should be the one apologizing. “I’ve been so moody lately, and I’m sorry for taking it out on you. I don’t think I’ve cried in front of someone so much as I have with you.”

“I’m honored,” he smiled, twisting his eyebrows, “or not.” He laughed. “Be safe babe. I love you and I’ll call you later on tonight.” 

“Thanks for coming over,” I said, grabbing his hand and leading him to the door. I opened it, both Niall and I standing over the threshold. “And thanks for the present.” This has Niall thinking, and I smile widely. 

“Present?” Niall narrowed his eyes in thought. Then smiled wickedly when he finally caught on. He pushed me against the door, rubbing the apex of his thighs against my leg. I could feel his erection through his jeans. “I’ve got another present for you. And it’s not you that should be thanking me. I should be thanking you for accepting.” Niall chuckled. “My hand got kinda tired of the old routine.”

This has me laughing, and Niall is blushing like a little kid. “Okay okay,” he said, unzipping. “I guess five minutes have been long enough for you to simmer. Turn around.”

“Here?” my voice hitches. Niall turned me around, placing my hands on the door. “I think you’re the one who’s something else.” My pants have dropped and then I feel Niall rubbing his hard on teasingly on my ass. 

“This has to be a quickie babe,” and he shoves himself inside of me, his cum from earlier, making it easy to sleep inside. I tighten around him and Niall is moving unbelievably fast, holding his hands around my wrist. He angled himself lower, then pushing up inside of me like a rocket. 

“Scream my name, Zee,” Niall said, ramming me harder into the door. 

 _Oh fuck. Liam._  My starry eyes widen.  _Oh fuck, Liam. Right there. Fuck me. Harder. Ungh_. 

“Scream my name babe,” Niall urges. But I bite on my lip, knowing fully well that if I did, I would be screaming Liam’s name. I just moan loudly, tightening myself more around him. Meeting his thrusts has him unraveling. I feel his cum unloading inside of me. 

  _Oh fuck. Liam._  And I burst again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Here's another chapter! Don't forget to leave feedback! <3 And follow me on tumblr if you wanna [click here](http://zaniamsextoy.tumblr.com/)  
> 

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My face is flushed, my entire body sweaty, and the probing, irritating and unbidden twitching happening inside my jeans have not went down. I drove down the road back into town, to maybe pick up Danielle from the studio. I needed a distraction.  _What was happening? What am I feeling? A boner? From Zayn? From him being fucked unconscious by Niall? I’m a guy and I do think about sex more than I should, but my best friends? Does that really turn me on?_  I feel the throbbing inside of my jeans worsen. I palmed myself through the denim, only punishing myself. The scenes of Zayn being fucked ran through my mind. Especially him screaming my name when he cummed all over the couch. I can’t stop thinking about it. Oh fuck. Liam. I know he didn’t see me because his eyes were shut closed. He had to be thinking of me. And even on that note, how did I feel about my best friend thinking about me fucking him? 

I desperately wished I hadn’t. My cock starts to throb uncontrollably. I pull on a deserted side street, putting the car in park to calm down. But I knew the only way to release the tension was . . . to  _release_  the floodgates. I looked around the dimly lit road, glancing for pedestrians or any sign of life. The windows were boarded and trash swept through the evening air. It was a bad part of London, but it was empty. I locked the doors in case. 

In a swift movement, my zipper is down and my ten inches is erect, red and at its maximum hardness. There’s already a light pre-cum on the tip. I blast the music louder to keep my thoughts at bay. Slowly, still thinking if this was a good idea, I eventually grab myself and start jerking off. A hushed whine escapes through my gritted teeth. I try to listen to the music, to avoid thinking about Zayn, but somehow, his voice, his ass in the air and his fucking hot expression while he got rammed invades my mind. I try to think of Danielle, but it’s a lost cause. Do straight guys stroke to other guys? Their pals? Or am I actually questioning my orientation? I love Danielle and I like kissing her, the way she makes me feel. But the feeling for Zayn, seeing him in the throws, at this moment, it’s raw and animalistic. It completely turns me on. 

The images flood through my mind welcoming, but instead of Niall fucking Zayn, I imagine myself fucking Zayn, feeling his ass wrap around my cock, tightening around me while I ride out my release. 

_Oh fuck. Liam._  And I cum. Hard. More than I ever have in my life. 

“Oh fuck.  _Zayn_ ,” I moaned, milking myself dry. I can feel my hand getting slippery from the cum, and I jerk myself until relief washes through me. No more vented up tension. It’s gone. Only a phase. Zayn’s out of my system. And when I think about it, it’s not as gut wrenching as it was before. I sighed in relief. Finally. 

Looking around for something to wipe myself off with, I find nothing. Very gently, feeling a sensitive sensation when I touched myself, again, I stuff it back in my jeans and zipper up. My phone suddenly rings.  _Baby you should let me love you. Let me be the one who gives you everything you want and need._  

It’s Zayn’s voice. I recorded his audition on my phone and used it as my ringtone. And suddenly my head clicks.  _Oh shit! It’s Zayn! He’s calling me! Do I answer it? What do I say? Oh yeah I just stopped by to see if you were alright because you seemed kind of sad when we left the studio._  And god forbid he asked me I was up to.  _Oh nothing much. Just jerking off to the image of me fucking you. You know, no big deal._  I opted to not answering the call. He called three more times, and every one, I had to hold myself back. Maybe he wants to explain what had happened? But quite honestly could it get clearer than me and Niall are fucking? It’s so blatantly obvious when I have it imprinted inside of my brain. How do we get around this? Because no matter what, I still love Zayn. Gay or not, I love him no matter what. He’s my mate. Best friends are supposed to stick up for you and with you through thick and thin. I debate whether to call him back before pulling back onto the road, but I decide against it. 

Driving back down to the dance studio, I dial out Danielle’s number. She doesn’t answer. By the third time I think she’s probably rehearsing the new number. I’ll just head down there anyways to give her a lift home. And hopefully block out my dark, sordid thoughts. I pull in front of the studio where I had dropped her off and wait. She comes out ten minutes later with an older man, I think she said he was in his late twenties. He had to be Raul. He looked foreign: brown skin, dark head of hair, slightly shaggy hair pulled back in a short ponytail. I go to beep the horn to tell her I’m here but stop when I see her turn around and kiss him on the lips. She looks comfortable with him. Almost as if this wasn’t her first time. As if they’ve been together for a while. Heat radiates from my body.  _She’s fucking cheating on me? How could she?_  I want to go outside and beat the shit out of Raul. 

But I don’t. 

I watch as they walk down the street, Raul’s arm casually wrapped around her shoulder. They turn the corner. I sit completely silent, my heart feeling a big pang of pain. Now, everything suddenly makes sense.  _I’m so stupid! How could I be so blind? Oh hey Liam, can you drop me off at the studio, I have a private session with Raul? Sorry Liam, I can’t go out tonight, I’m practicing a solo with Raul. No I don’t need a ride. I couldn’t answer because I came home late last night._  Every excuse she gave me on repeat. I slam my fist into the steering wheel, the horn blaring loudly into the ominous street. 

By the time I pull out, it’s close to eleven at night. My anger has simmered down, but it’s in the back of my mind like an irritating fly that won’t go away. I control the urge to call her, to tell her what I had just witnessed. But I don’t. I’m not much of a confrontational person. Besides, I had a reputation to uphold. One-fifth of the popular British boy band One Direction. I wouldn’t want to let the boys down and Paul with my name in the tabloids, beating his girlfriend’s dance instructor till he was hanging on an inch of breath. 

Wait, girlfriend or ex girlfriend? Should I break up with her? After all, cheating has always been one of my pet peeves. If you’re not happy with the person you’re with then why stay with him? You have the choice to leave him or not. Don’t break his heart by going behind his back and cheating with someone else. 

I’m driving down the street, unsure what road I’m on or where I’m going, trying my hardest not to turn around, find them and roll Raul underneath my tires. My car knows where I’m going before my brain does. When I look up at the building, I make out the window of the apartment on the second floor and a breath hitches in my throat. Suddenly my head turns frantic. _What am I doing here? Why don’t you just go home? What if Niall’s still there? What if Zayn’s super embarrassed and can’t stand to face you right now?_ I turn off the car, tapping my fingers on the dashboard, looking out of the window ahead.  _What now Payne? You just caught your girlfriend cheating on you, you don’t know how you’re so calm about the whole idea, and you’re back at the flat where you caught your best friend getting fucked in the ass._

But Zayn was still my best friend. I tell him everything.  _But apparently he doesn’t tell you everything._  Which is undeniably true. I sigh to myself, wondering my next move. Taking a steady, cool breath, my eyes closed, I reach for the door handle and step out into the evening air. No matter, Zayn is my best friend and I need him. Maybe he can tell me what to do with Danielle, and make me feel happier. 

Zayn offering himself to me slips through my mind and my cock twitches.  _No! Don’t think about that! Not now! Not when you’re about to see him to confide in him about your cheating girlfriend! You have too much on your plate to be thinking about doing your best friend!_

I head for his apartment. When I reach his door, I make sure to knock as loud as I could before barging in. I don’t want a replay of what happened just this afternoon. And who’s to say if I caught them again that I wouldn’t join in? 

Stop it, Liam. You’re thinking just like Danielle. That bi---that cheater! You will not snoop to her level under any circumstance. You’re better than her. You’ll not have sex with your best friend to spite your girlfriend, or is it now ex-girlfriend? Maybe I should be at her place right now, hashing it out with her, instead of here, where my mind is completely scatterbrained at thoughts of the feeling of Zayn’s hot hole? This is a bad idea. I should leave. 

But what’s changed that you can’t talk to your best friend? Oh that’s right because instead of looking at him for reassurance, you’ll be looking at him like a hound dog in heat. I go to head for the elevator when the door creaks open. 

Zayn is rubbing his eyes, wearing only a tight black boxer that hugs to his thighs, hips and his---. I can’t finish that sentence. I close my eyes for a moment, stopping myself from thinking about how hot he looks. When I open my eyes, Zayn is shocked and holding his arms in front of me like I was a stranger who hadn’t seen him like this all the time. 

“Li---I thought you were Niall,” he said surprised, hiding his perfect body behind the door. He scratches his head. “How can I help you Liam?” he asked so softly. So tempting. 

“Niall. He isn’t here?” I asked, keeping my voice low, controlled. 

Hesitantly, Zayn shakes his head. 

“Good.” I push the door open, Zayn putting up a little fight but then heaves when I’m inside. “Is he supposed to come back?” 

“No, I just---what are you doing here Liam?” he asked, looking at me with his hazel-brown eyes. They’re so innocent. So soft. So fucking sexy. 

“Good,” I said, again. “Cause I’m going to fuck the shit out of you.”


	5. Chapter 5

\---------------

 

Liam’s not answering his phone. I called four times but every time it goes to voicemail. He must be pissed. Liam always answered my calls, and if he didn’t he would call a few minutes later. Was my friendship with Liam in jeopardy? Was he going to realize that I loved him more than a friend, and be so ashamed that he dropped all contact with me? I sighed, placing my phone back on my bedside table next to my alarm clock. It was nine and even Niall hadn’t called back to say if he was coming back here or going straight home. I decided to call him, but like Liam, Niall didn’t answer either. 

The room was dark and silent. I finally caved in and forced myself to sleep. 

 

*   *   *   *   *

Heavy knocking wakes me up in the middle of the night. I groaned. Why doesn’t Niall just open the door with the spare key in the fire hose cabinet? I leap out of bed, groggily walking back into the living area and to the front door. The knocking has ceased, and I imagine if my head was playing tricks on me. I waited for another knock. But nothing. 

Just in case, I opened the door to see if Niall was still there. It was better to fully know that no one was there, then walk back to bed, get comfortable, only to be woken up again. I rub my eyes, opening the door for Niall. The white light from the hallway blinds me at first but when it comes into view, a tall, brown-haired, brown eyed boy is standing in front of me, his eyes closed. Just then, Liam opens his eyes and I suddenly feel self conscious to what I’m wearing. Which is practically nothing. Only my black boxers that showed a little too much for my taste.

“Li---I thought you were Niall, I said surprised, a little intimidated. From the last time I saw him, when he watched me orgasm at the mention of his name, Liam had grown a little taller(if that was even possible to do in a day, but perhaps it was his stance?). He seemed more confident, his back erect and his eyes filled with eerie wonder. I hide behind the door, feeling too exposed in nothing but my boxers. Although, Liam had seen me naked before. We did get dressed together. But it never had slipped my mind till now, that I haven’t seen Liam completely naked as he has for me. He never took off his boxers, or if he did, it wasn’t with us. Because I would know if Liam whipped it out or not. I was always on the look out. I gulp, fighting back my obscene thoughts. 

“How can I help you Liam?” I asked softly, scared. 

I waited for Liam to respond, and when he does, his voice is low and dark. “Niall. He isn’t here?” he asked. At first, I don’t want to answer him. Liam seems more broodier, more scarier. It’s kind of . . . hot. I never would have thought that Liam could get any hotter, but angry, scary Liam has my trousers tenting in place. It’s a good thing I have the door to block me.  _Just be cool, Zayn. He has a girlfriend. And you . . . you have Niall._  I sigh at my mindless inquisition.  _I’m so sorry Niall. I wish I could see you as boyfriend material, but its just not for me. I just hate to give you up because I’m so fucked up, and fucking selfish. I should go to hell for this!_  For a while I forget that Liam is at my doorstep and when I look at him, my entire body tingles. 

“Good,” said Liam finally, nudging the door open. I put up a fight, not wanting him to see my massive erection. I wouldn’t want him to feel more uncomfortable. After all, we still had to talk about this afternoon. Is that why he’s here? To talk to me about my thing with Niall? My throat turns dry and I pray that it isn’t. “Is he supposed to be back?” asked Liam, making his way into my flat. Thankfully I kept the lights off. Phew. 

“No, I just---what are you doing here Liam?” I asked again, feeling guilty for having some messed up thoughts. He looks angry. Maybe he stopped by to relieve some tension? Maybe he finally broke it off with Danielle because you were just so hot this afternoon, all fucked hair, and soft moans? I shake away the thoughts. 

“Good,” Liam said again. “Cause I’m going to fuck the shit out of you.”

A loud moan escapes from my lips. I must be having those epic, vivid dreams. No way in hell did Liam say that he was going to fuck the shit out of me! He didn’t even like swearing! And here he was, all muscles, aggression, such manly aura and he wants to fuck  _me_!  _Please don’t wake up now! Please don’t fucking wake up now!_  I chant that mantra for a good minute. When I open my eyes, Liam is still standing in front of me, and with no hesitation, I reach between his thighs, gaining a new boost of confidence. Liam is already rock hard, and so---so big. Why he would hide this from anyone is a surprise to me. Liam is biting down on his lip and I really want to plant a kiss on those juicy babies.  _This is my dream, isn’t it? Why not enjoy the moment while I can. It’s not like this would happen in real life!_  Though it seemed so real. 

Best fucking dream ever! 

Liam is a mess of moans and hisses. I rub my palm more harder against his dick, and Liam backs away, simultaneously closing the door behind him so we’re covered in complete darkness. I move closer to his toned body, my hand slyly sinking beneath the elastic of his boxers and I grip onto him, his cock already slippery. 

“You’re already wet for me baby?” I said flirtatiously. 

Liam nods his head. “I jerked off on the side of the road before I came back. I thought about how good it would feel to fuck you in your tight ass.”

I whimper, leaning towards him, planting a soft kiss on his birthmark. I always wanted to do it. While palming him more vigorously, getting elicit moans on Liam’s end, I nibble on his birthmark, wanting to make my own mark. Liam’s firm hands trace my hips, sending a shiver up my spine before squeezing both my ass cheeks in his big hands. “That’s all for you baby,” I said, squeezing his dick tighter, making him squirm against the front door. “Just as long as this is mine.”

Liam is jelly in my grasp. “All for you baby. Why don’t you---uh, go ahead and suck it a little. I want to feel your hot mouth on my dick.” Liam’s hands stopped kneading my ass and moved to my head where he lowered me until I was kneeling, my face in level with the feel of his zipper. Liam pulls down his jeans to his knees and his cock is sporting the biggest tent in his gray boxers that I have ever seen. On the tip is a little wet spot. Probably from his pre-cum. I hurriedly take off his last article of clothing and am now faced to face with his monster cock. I guess all the fangirls were right. Liam is ten inches. Possibly even more! My hand returns to a firm grip around the hot rod and I stick out my tongue, licking between the slit of his dick, tasting the salty drops of his cum. He taste so good. So right. 

“How do I taste,” Liam stuttered, his hand in the back of my head, pushing me in with the beat of his thrusts. “Do I taste good Zee?”

I hummed around the head of dick, licking up some precum that leaked from the tip. I looked into Liam’s eyes, grazing him with my teeth. “So good,” I said, taking him back into my mouth. “I always wondered how you tasted.”

“Oh yeah,” Liam moaned, holding Zayn’s head so the raven-haired boy gagged on his meat. “What else did you want me to do to you?” His eyes closed during the moment. 

I stood up, Liam whimpering from the lost of contact on his dick. I grabbed it to keep him at ease and he moved his hips into my hand. I planted soft kisses on his cheek, making my way up to his neck, his cheek and wanting nothing more but to savor the taste of Liam’s lips on my tongue. 

“I always wanted to kiss you,” I whispered against his lips. Liam blinked his eyes open and stared at me with his smoldering, brown, puppy dog eyes. I don’t kiss him yet, just running my finger along the bottom of his lip. Liam tries to take my finger in my mouth, but I pull away before he does, shaking my head. I placed it back and stroked his plump, juicy lip. 

“What else did you want me to do to you,” he asked again, breathing heavily. 

I pressed him harder against the front door, moving my body closer to his, a small moan escaping my lips when his erection pressed against my chest. It felt slippery and so damn hot. 

“I always wanted to hold your hand.” My free hand goes to Liam’s side and he raises them, waffling our fingers together. It fit perfectly like I already guessed. “I always wanted to lick every inch of you.” 

Liam moaned, eyes closed again. 

I ran my tongue along the base of his throat up to his chin. 

“I always wanted you to say you loved me,” I breathed against his neck. “That you loved me more than a friend and you wanted to marry me and spend the rest of your life with me.”

“I love you Zayn,” Liam whimpered. 

“I know,” I sighed. “I just wished this wasn’t a dream. Although it’s a perfect one that I’ll never forget.”

Liam’s eyes opened and he stared at me with a hard expression. “A dream?” he asked, confused. “Zayn this isn’t a dream. This is actually happening.”

“Yeah right,” I smiled, stroking him off. “This would never happen in a million years. This has to be a dream because you’d never let me do this to you.”

“Says who?” he breathed. 

“Says real Liam,” I said in a trance. “The straight Liam who would never be caught doing anything gay. The Daddy Directioner of the group,” I grinned. “The Liam who I’ve wanted for years but was so blind to realize that I loved him. The one that would never purposely stop by to say that he wanted to fuck the shit out of me.”

“This isn’t a dream Zayn,” Liam said sternly. “I’m here. This is real life.” 

 


	6. Chapter 6

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What the hell did I just say?  _Cause I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you._  Even as the words processed through my brain, I still couldn’t believe I said it. Although it was out there, and I was here, standing in Zayn’s flat, waiting for his next move.  _Cause I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you._  Inwardly smiling, I shake my head, feeling like a top grade porn star from my choice of words. 

Zayn moaned, his beautiful eyes closing, squeezing the lids shut as if he was---appalled? Surprised? Hell, I was surprised as well. More than anyone. I had just caught my girlfriend cheating on me with her dance instructor, and here I was, wanting to get down and dirty with my best mate. What would this do to us? To my relationship with both Zayn and Danielle? Wait a minute, Niall included. After all, he and Zayn had something going on? Or was it just a casual hook up? All the conflicts raced through my head, but I already initiated the cheating. Whether it be me cheating on Danielle or Zayn cheating on Niall. I told Zayn I was gonna fuck the shit out of him, and even now, as my mind tried to make a better judgment, to take back what I had said, my impatient pal downstairs was already like stone and wanting to be released from its cage. 

I thought about Zayn’s hot, tight hole and the throbbing escalated to new heights. This wasn’t a, “I want to fuck Zayn.” No no no no no. This was a, “I need to fuck Zayn.” To get him out of my system because I know he would linger in the dark corners of my mind, building angst, and fire till it was unleashed in one hashing of sweaty limbs, heat and Zayn screaming my name from the top of his lungs. 

_Oh fuck. Liam._

When Zayn opens his eyes, they’re darker, dilated. Caught off guard, Zayn grabs my junk and starts rubbing my full length through the denim, going into the moment running. My breath catches and through gritted teeth I hiss at the sudden friction.  _Oh shit, this feels so fucking good._  I bite my lower lip, holding myself from blowing my load in my undies. This boy has mad fucking skills. His hand is magic and I’ll bet my life that his mouth is just the same. Zayn starts rubbing me harder and I back towards the door, suddenly closing it behind me. I can smell Zayn’s tantalizing cologne as he presses his sexy body against mine. Slyly, he slips his hands under my trousers and in one swift swipe grabs my cock tightly in his expert hand. 

“You’re already wet for me baby?” he asked heatedly, keeping a steady friction on my aching cock. 

I nod my head.  “I jerked off on the side of the road before I came back. I thought about how good it would feel to fuck you in your tight ass.” And although it was a little embarrassing and awkward to admit, Zayn found it hot and elicited a sweet, cute ass moan from his parted lips. Savagely, his plump lips moved to my neck, right on my birthmark, and he sucked on it. I felt his tongue sliding around the mark, sending shivers throughout my body, especially to my pulsing, ready to burst cock. I didn’t know how much longer I would last before I would explode, but with enough willpower, I held my climax back, saving it for my own course . . .

Penetrating him and dumping my baby juice deep inside his tight hole. 

As Zayn continues to palm me, my greedy hands reach out for his hips, feeling his hot, bare flesh through my exploring fingers. This boy is walking sex. I don’t know why I haven’t noticed it before? Right. Because I was happily devoted to my cheating girlfriend . . . My hands and head can’t take it any longer, I move towards my main goal. 

Zayn’s ass. 

_Oh fuck. So round. So juicy._

“That’s all for you baby,” he said, squeezing my dick tighter, making me squirm against the door like an earthworm.  _All mine. He said it was all mine! I’m gonna tear this shit up!_  “Just as long as this is mine.”

I can’t contain the tremors coursing through my oversensitive body. “All for you baby,” I blurt out,” my body feeling too excited, too in the moment to disagree. “Why don’t you---uh, go ahead and suck it a little. I want to feel your hot mouth on my dick.” Smiling down at Zayn, I lift my hands from his ass and move them towards his head. Lowering him down, Zayn is kneeling in front of me, his mouth at the level of my zipper. Quickly, I pull down my jeans and am shocked that my erection is so huge! Damn this boy really knows what he’s doing and knows how to turn me on! Before I have time to remove my boxers though, Zayn’s trembling fingers hurriedly brought it down, causing my cock to feel shocks as the fabric rubbed against the head. 

_Oh fuck. Gotta hold back Liam. We haven’t even gotten to the main prize yet!_

Struggling to hold back my orgasm, Zayn makes it even harder as his hand comes back on me and he sticks out his tongue, licking the drops of cum from the slit. My entire body starts to whither and shake. 

“How do I taste,” I stutter, my greedy hand pushing his head to the beat of my thrusts. “Do I taste good Zee?”

Zayn hummed around me, his tongue licking away, causing another circuit of electric passion to phase through my body. He looked up at me with heavy lidded eyes. He looked so fucking beautiful sucking me. “So good,” his mouth parted, opening wider before sticking it back into his mouth. “I always wondered how you tasted.”

“Oh yeah,” I moaned, pushing Zayn further down my pole, feeling the back of his throat and hearing him gag.  _Oh so fucking hot babe. Gag on this shit._  My eyes closed, picturing myself on top of him, fucking him lifeless. Or maybe him riding me? Just as long as he didn’t ask me to wear a condom. To me, condoms were stifling. I would want to see his face as I shot my load inside of him, and have Zayn feel my juices sliding in him. “What else did you want me to do to you?” 

Just then, Zayn’s mouth was gone and I whimpered from the lost of contact. He grabbed my slippery, red cock in his hand, I moved my hips to relieve more tension. Zayn planted soft kisses on my chest, trailing up to my neck and cheek. 

“I always wanted you to kiss me,” he whispered against my lips. I felt like I was in a trance. Blinking my eyes open, I stared back into Zayn’s beautiful hazel eyes. Should I let him kiss me? Would that be taking things a little too far? 

I scoffed at myself.  _You want to fuck the brains out of him, but you’re scared about him kissing you? For gods sake your dick was just in his mouth! What happened to the conservative one of the group who always thought blow jobs were demeaning and unrighteous? That is why you never let anyone else suck on it, right?_  

Zayn rubs a finger along my bottom lip and I open my mouth to suck on it, but Zayn pulls away and shakes his head. A second later it’s back on my lips. 

“What else did you want me to do to you,” I whispered breathlessly. 

Zayn pressed me harder against the door, moving his body closer to mine. His gasps as my erection presses against his chest makes me want to take him then and now, but I refrain myself. And I don’t know what’s keeping me back. 

The ache in my cock has become undeniably painful, and needed to be released soon. 

“I always wanted you to hold my hand,” Zayn finally says, grabbing my hand and we both wrap it around each others fingers.  _Shit just got real._  What started as the best fuck of my life was turning into something more. 

Intimacy. 

“I always wanted you to want me to lick every inch of you.”

And I moan, my eyes closing again. How would things work if I were in a relationship with Zayn? How do I feel about being in love: holding hands, making out backstage, fucking, going on dates, sleeping in each others arms, with my best friend? Is it possible?

_Well, anything is possible . . ._

But what will happen between the two of us? I cherish Zayn’s friendship more than I have with the other boys. We had bonded so closely before we became this famous, telling each other everything and counting on the other one to be there when things became too hard. What if everything changes when we start going out, and one day something bad happens and it ruins everything that we have built up for years? 

Zayn ran his tongue along the base of my throat to my chin. Bringing me here into the now. “I always wanted you to say you loved me,” he breathed against my neck. But I tell you I love you all the time. “That you loved me more than a friend and you wanted to marry me and spend the rest of your life with me.”

“I love you Zayn,” I said sporadically. But it was the truth. I loved Zayn with all my heart. 

“I know,” he sighed, his eyes losing some spark. “I just wished this wasn’t a dream. Although it’s a perfect one that I’ll never forget.”

My eyes dart open. “A dream?” I asked confused.  _This wasn’t a dream. How could Zayn think this was a dream?_  “Zayn this isn’t a dream. This is actually happening.”

“Yeah right,” he smiled, obviously not grasping the concepts of reality.  _Why would he think that this was a dream?_  “This would never happen in a million years. This has to be a dream because you’d never let me do this to you,” Zayn said, jerking me off more and fondling my balls. 

“Says who?” I breathed out. 

“Says real Liam,” he says in a trance. “The straight Liam who would never be caught doing anything gay. The Daddy Directioner of the group,” he grinned. “The Liam who I’ve wanted for years but was so blind to realize that I love him. The one that would never purposely stop by to say that he wanted to fuck the shit out of me.”

 _Of fuck Zayn._  Just imagine if I had fucked you, and you woke up the next morning feeling completely sore with my cum inside of you, and you’d think it was just a wet dream . . .

“This isn’t a dream Zayn,” I say as hard as possible, to help him register it inside of his head. “I’m here. This is real life.”

Zayn looked into my hard eyes, suddenly stepping back and taking his hand with him. “This has to be a dream . . .” he said, staring me dead in the eyes. “There’s no other possible explanation to any of this.”

I sighed. 

“Zayn, I caught Danielle cheating on me,” I decided to come clean. “After I caught you and Niall fooling around together, I went to go pick her up and then I saw her kiss him.”

“So . . .” his voice drags. 

“So why didn’t you tell me about you and Niall?” I asked suddenly, off topic, feeling heat rise through me, a different type of heat that I was experiencing earlier. “We’re the best of friends and you keep a secret that big away from me? I thought you trusted me with everything? I don’t care if you’re gay Zayn. I’ll love you no matter what!”

“But you would care if I told you I’m just using Niall to feel all my vented feelings I have for you,” he said. “That every time I make love to Niall, every time he fucks me, I’m wishing it was you . . . You wouldn’t want to love someone like me . . . Who would?” And I can see Zayn physically retreating away from himself, as if there was any question to how great a catch he was. 

“You can have any girl or guy in the world Zayn,” I said, sort of exasperated. He was one of the hottest guys I knew!

“Anyone but you,” he says. And then it hits me. 

He really does love me. He really does want to spend forever with me. Why have I not seen it before? Was I really that blind?

“Well I’m giving myself to you tonight,” I said trying to lift up his spirits. 

“Only to get even with your girlfriend . . .” Zayn sighed. “The funny thing about that is, I would let you use me. If you asked me to swim, even when I can’t, I would. If you asked me to lie down and take it, I would service you with a smile. And if you told me to jump off the nearest building, I would . . . and hope that you’ll be on the ground, ready to catch me in your arms. You’re my only weakness, Liam. I only love you. The thing with Niall means nothing to me. I would give up my world to have a chance to be yours.”

And I can’t keep it in anymore. The shaking in my hands have become uncontrollable. With my hands to my side, almost like a little boy taking his first kiss, I rush to plant a kiss on Zayn’s sweet lips. The wetness of his cheeks become evident and I’m kissing him, grabbing him, wanting nothing more but to take all his pain away.


	7. Chapter 7

\--------------

“The funny thing about that is, I would let you use me. If you asked me to swim, even when I can’t, I would. If you asked me to lie down and take it, I would service you with a smile. And if you told me to jump off the nearest building, I would . . . and hope that you’ll be on the ground, ready to catch me in your arms. You’re my only weakness, Liam. I only love you. The thing with Niall means nothing to me. I would give up my world to have a chance to be yours.”

 _You’re my only weakness, Liam. I only love you._  Zayn’s words are like taking a bullet to the heart.  _The thing with Niall means nothing to me._  And it feels like I have died on the inside. I would have given my entire life for Zayn. To make him see the light. To show him that he can be happy with someone like me . . . Someone who he made his world, and would happily give him the world if he wanted. 

I don’t have to open the door to know what happens next. A clash of sloppy lips echo through the hallway. Funny. Just this afternoon it was me that Zayn was kissing. Me that was fucking him against the door. 

And now it’s Liam. I should have known. 

Josh was right. Why couldn’t I see it? How could I have been so blind? 

Perhaps I was just blinded by love?  _I’m so stupid!_  I knew Zayn didn’t want me and now he’s in Liam’s arms, and I can hear Zayn gasp as I suspect Liam has picked him up and carried him to the bed . . . The bed I have slept in for months because Zayn was afraid to sleep alone. The same bed that I had found sanctuary in. 

Zayn being in my arms was magical. I finally had someone to protect and who loves me . . . Well, loved. Or was he just playing me this whole time?  _That every time I make love to Niall, every time he fucks me, I’m wishing it was you . . ._  So he was screaming Liam’s name, not because he had caught us having sex, but he had to visualize Liam to be the one doing him, for him to orgasm. Like I was just a doll that he could use and throw aside when he was finished with me. 

I should have known that I was disposable. 

After all, that’s why me and Josh had broken up. I’m relieved I didn’t let Zayn in on that little secret. Josh was my first, but when things started getting serious between the both of us, he wanted to take a break to “test the waters” and “try something new.” But what does that mean? If you’re happy with the person you’re with, why try and find something better, that may not even exist? There is nothing greater than happiness, so why do people have to go out looking for happiness, when they already have it? 

Unless Josh truly wasn’t happy with me? As Zayn apparently is. 

Zayn could have just been up front like Josh and said that I wasn’t good enough. That I was just the pale faced, ugly looking Irish lad that even his father was too embarrassed to love. Then, it wouldn’t hurt as much as it does. I would have saved myself from the heartache. But maybe he liked prolonging my suffering. And wanted me to find them together so I would take the hint and leave him alone from now on. After all, that is why he’s been ignoring all my texts today. Right? 

 

_“Hey babe, just got to the studio with Josh. I love you.”_

 

_“It’s so boring here without you. I love you.”_

 

_“Liam must not have said anything because I’ve just seen Louis and Harry and they didn’t bring anything up about it. You’re in the clear. I love you.”_

 

_“You must be busy but just text me when you can. I want to know how you’re doing. I love you.”_

 

_“The drum solos are getting really good on Josh’s parts. He’s really getting more professional. As a drummer. Not as an adult. He’s sticking a drumstick up his nose x]. I’m missing you so text me back to put me out of my misery. ;) I love you.”_

 

_“Zayn, it’s getting late. I hope nothing bad has happened to you. I don’t know what I would do if I was to ever lose you. I love you. P.S. I’ll never get tired of saying it too much cause it’s the truth. I love you Zayn Malik! NH_

 

_“Babe we’re leaving but Josh wants to get some dinner. I’m gonna stop by his place to have some pizza and he’ll drop me off at yours so we don’t need to drive two cars tomorrow. I hope you’re feeling better. NH_

 

_“You are my world babe. I can’t wait to come home to you so we can cuddle the night away. I’ll be home in a few.”_

I must have looked like such a lovesick fool sending him all those messages when he was probably spending all of that time getting shagged by Liam. The thought makes me furious, but I can’t bring myself to barge into the bedroom like a scorned lover and beat Liam to a pulp. Because even though Zayn is in there right now, with someone else . . . Well, not just someone else. With Liam. Apparently the guy that he has been in love with since the very beginning, that he didn’t have the audacity to tell me about before we began this whole love affair. I couldn’t bring myself to make Zayn’s life misery. I wanted him to still be happy. 

Even when his happiness didn’t involve me . . .

I walk towards the elevator, my blushing fists shoved into my pockets, holding back their true intentions. The elevator opens and I step inside, not breaking ground. Not here. In a place I was probably never loved. Only used. 

A brush of cold air runs through my flushed cheeks when I step outside into the night air, and it is then when my energy gives up and I fall to my knees, my face smacking against the pavement as my tears fell on the gray stone like rain.

 

*   *   *   *   *

 

“Who needs love?” I slurred, downing another shot of hot liquid. I had been drinking with Zayn all day inside of his flat, after my stupid excuse of a boyfriend decided that he wanted to “test the waters.” Of course, I didn’t tell Zayn the cause for all this drinking. He was just happy to oblige. After all, who would deny free alcohol and a totally bomb ass drinking partner? And it was just my luck because Zayn was also in the mood to get shit-faced. 

“I know,” he slurred, raising his glass. “Me. And you. To being single forever!” He cheered, clinking his full glass of vodka against mine. “Fuck love because love is always fucking you!” bantered Zayn. 

Taking another long sip of vodka, we refill and let the night take us by. 

Going through our third bottle of vodka, Zayn and I are completely fucked that I can barely see the whites of his eyes. He’s staring at me on the couch, both of us in a fit of giggles. I’m not even sure what we are laughing about, but it seems that it was incredibly funny. Zayn has been rolling around the sofa, his arms holding in his guts and tears springing from his eyes. I don’t know whether the joke, or whatever it was, was funny, or because this is the most I’ve seen the raven-haired boy laughed since a long time, but I’m laughing uncontrollably with him. 

Through his choked voice, he says, “You’re . . . Irish,” and Zayn bursts out again into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. “You have blonde hair, blue eyes, rosy cheeks. And . . . you’re Irish!” Zayn can’t help but laugh. And it seems he was laughing at me. 

All of a sudden, my laugh stopped mid-choke.  _Was I funny looking? Is that why Josh left me because of the way I looked?_  My entire demeanor had changed. I stopped laughing, my face flushed and I stared blankly ahead of me, unrequited questions coursing through my brain.  _Does no one love me because I’m Irish? Did my heritage, my looks, my baby face scare Josh away? Was I just not handsome enough. Say, like Zayn. He always got all the ladies and even most of the guys who were crazy for One Direction. What did Zayn have that I didn’t? What did Zayn have that I needed? To be happy . . ._

       Gradually Zayn’s laughs died, and he’s looking at me with a wiry expression. I was too caught up comparing myself to him, for my head to really click that, ‘oh shit, Zayn has just caught me staring at him, and he looks pissed. And not just pissed drunk.’

“What you looking at me for?” Zayn said, eyeing me out with an intense, smoldering glare. “Is it because . . . you’re Irish?” And the hard lines in Zayn’s face washed away as the answer finally hit me. 

 _Yes. I was ugly. That is why Josh left me._  

And then, I did something I’ve been keeping back since I arrived at Zayn’s flat. What had to be done and what I needed. 

I cried. Not the soft cry either. 

I gave into my emotions and they washed over me as a sort of cleansing, a renewal to my break-up. Josh left me because I was ugly. And that is the reason why I was going to end up alone. 

Zayn’s laughter had stopped. He placed a hand on my shoulder buy I shoved it away. 

“Piss off,” I sobbed, feeling the heat rise into my cheeks, and wiping away the tears with the back of my hand. I stood up, immediately feeling gravity shoving me down to my knees. I had fallen face first into the carpet, having the Persian-style rug soak in my tears. For a fact, I had thought Zayn would start laughing again, but he doesn’t. 

He sunk onto the floor with me, lying down and staring into my blue eyes. 

“What’s wrong, mate?” said Zayn softly, more friendly. 

I shook my head. I didn’t want the most handsomest guy on the planet to pity the ugliest guy in the world. That was just sick. “No.”

“Please,” Zayn pouted his lips like a child. 

I couldn’t stop myself from holding back a soft chuckle, but I still shook my head. “You’re gonna make fun of me some more,” I said, wiping away the tears. 

Zayn’s face grew serious. “I swear I won’t,” he said.

I looked away from him. 

Zayn grabbed my chin between his thumb and forefinger and brought me back to his gaze. “Tell me.”

I sighed. “I’m ugly.”  _There I said it!_

“Says who?” Zayn grew angry. “What’s that fuckers name and I swear I’ll find him and kick his ass!” 

I couldn’t help but crack another smile. I wiped my tears and my nose with the collar of my shirt. “Says you,” I said. 

Zayn looked taken aback. “Because I---,” his voice stopped and his eyes softened. “No, Ni, you’re not ugly. I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. You’re really handsome and I’m,” he rambled, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. There’s not filter on this,” he pointed to his mouth, “when I drink. I just say what’s on my mind.”

“And on your mind was that I’m ugly,” I said softly. 

“No no no! Just that you’re Irish, which you are,” Zayn tried correcting. “I didn’t say you were ugly Niall. I would never say that about you because it’s not true. It can never be true.”

Then my voice caught in my throat again, and I cried. “Then why does no one love me?” I wallowed, thinking about my break up with Josh.  _That bastard! How could he just leave me like that? After all the years we spent together, out of the blue, he just wanted to “test the waters?” Fuck those words! Fuck him to pieces! I hate him so much!_  

“I love you,” said Zayn. I gazed into his hazel eyes and there was true sincerity there. 

“As a friend . . . But I’m talking about a different kind of love. A love only two people can share.” A love I thought I had with that dumb ass drummer . . . “I don’t want to end up alone.”

Tears formed at the borders of Zayn’s eyes. Could he be feeling the same way too? Alone? Broken? Being the only single lads in One Direction.  _Why not change it?_

I kissed him. 

 


	8. Chapter 8

\---------------------

_Liam kisses me. He kisses me!_  

I always imagined what it would feel like, and if feels like a million fireworks bursting inside of my belly, shooting multi-colored sparks through my bloodstream that is oozing with happiness and desire. At first, when his hands shook uncontrollably, I thought that he was angry with me. After all, I had just come cleaned about the biggest secret of my life, the million dollar scandal in One Direction. 

I loved him with every fiber of my being. And that is how it would be, forever. 

Liam’s kissing me sloppily, both of us crying at the contact. It feels so nice to be so close to him. With his hands claiming my cheeks, he makes sure that I don’t pull away. He wants me just as badly as I want him. Liam is clawing at my bare flesh, leaving red marks as he went. I moaned inside of his mouth, playing with his tongue as I stripped Liam of his shirt, and he stepped out of his trousers and boxers. 

Lifting me up, I gasp, not once breaking the kiss. I can feel Liam’s erection on the thin fabric of my black boxers, and I wrap my arms around his neck, tangling my fingers in the patch of hair near the nape of his neck. He carried me to my bed, throwing me on the comfort of my bed, and stripping me of my boxers in one quick swipe. 

Liam licks his lips, his heavy lidded eyes taking in my naked body. I’m throbbing for him, and when I go to touch myself, sliding my hand down my chest, passed my boner and near my parted thighs, Liam growls and starts sauntering forward. It seems like forever until Liam gets to me, making me feel like I’ve been waiting an eternity. 

Which isn’t at all that bad of an analysis. Waiting for this moment did seem like I had been waiting an eternity. 

Grabbing hold of Liam’s short, light-brown hair, I wait for him to invade my system. The anticipation courses through my veins, causing me unbelievable squirming. I flounder beneath him, Liam rubbing the tip of his head at the base of my hole. Liam is looking down at me, smirking as I can’t keep my normal, calm composure. He tilts his head, obviously proud of himself. 

“Is there anything I can help you with, Zayn?” he smiled, continuing to rub himself against me, never fully penetrating me. “You look like you might need something,” he teased. “Maybe a glass of water perhaps? Your throat might be a little parched from all the salt you had consumed earlier.”

Liam winked.

I groaned. 

“Li, come on,” I whined, holding onto his shoulder, ready for him. Pushing myself more to him, he smirks and holds my stomach down with his hand. 

“Uh uh uh,” he cooed. But I wasn’t having it. I wanted him in me, now. 

With a tight grip on Liam’s shoulder, I turned him around till he was on his back, and then held him down, hovering above his throbbing, tease stick.  I sit down on it, not yet having Liam inside of me, and Liam hisses, looking at me with black, hard eyes. 

“Doesn’t feel nice being teased when you want something so bad, now does it?” I asked, making sure to rub his oversensitive head at my entrance. 

Another  hiss breaks through the hot air. 

When Liam tries to finally penetrate me, after my teasing, I lift my ass up before he does. “Uh uh uh,” I cooed teasingly, just as he did with me. Continuing to buck my hips in a circle, around his aching, red cock, I feel myself relax and open, then slide an inch of him inside of me with no warning.

“Oh fuck shit,” and Liam is clawing my thighs, trying to push me down further, but I stay completely still, not going fully down, and savoring the image of Liam wriggling like a completely wet noodle. His eyes have closed, and I stare at him, sinking further down until I’m sitting on his pelvis, feeling his balls against my ass. 

I sit there, staring at him, feeling, at last, complete. 

When Liam opens his eyes, they are a telltale sign of desire and lust. And he grabs my waist, and I freely let him lift me back up, sliding easily on his erection before he pushed me back down. Already, I can feel Liam’s cock twitching uncontrollably, and I know that he’s ready to cum. But I don’t want this to end. 

Ignoring his clawing on my thighs, I rapidly move up and down him, still staring at him as I did so. He’s panting, trying to stop me from riding out his release, his eyes glued to my hazel ones. I know he doesn’t want to cum yet, he doesn’t want this thing between us to end either, but I can’t stop. I’m greedy, wanting to feel his cum inside of me. 

Grabbing a hold of myself, I start touching myself, riding out both of our releases. 

“Zayn, I’m  gonna cum,” he said breathlessly. 

Closing my eyes, I revel in the feeling of finally getting fucked by Liam, and as I think about how he’s beneath me, giving himself to me, I feel the blood in me thicken, feeling myself stiffen just a little, tightening more around Liam’s length, and then shooting my load across his smooth chest. 

“Oh fuck. Zayn.” And Liam is cumming inside of me, his fingers digging deep inside of my thighs that I knew would leave marks. We’re both screaming each others names and I don’t stop moving until I feel Liam softening, and I fall onto his cum-filled chest in utter exhaustion. 

We’re both catching our breaths at this point, and I feel Liam’s heart beating from the close proximity. It started off a little fast, but is slowing down till its a light thrum. 

As the noise dies down, and I concentrate on Liam’s heartbeats, there is another sound that ticks in my ears. Suddenly, I notice the bright light flashing on the side of the bed. Lazily, I go to retrieve my cellphone and have nine text messages from Niall. 

 

_“Hey babe, just got to the studio with Josh. I love you.”_

 

_“It’s so boring here without you. I love you.”_

 

_“Liam must not have said anything because I’ve just seen Louis and Harry and they didn’t bring anything up about it. You’re in the clear. I love you.”_

 

_“You must be busy but just text me when you can. I want to know how you’re doing. I love you.”_

 

_“The drum solos are getting really good on Josh’s parts. He’s really getting more professional. As a drummer. Not as an adult. He’s sticking a drumstick up his nose x]. I’m missing you so text me back to put me out of my misery. ;) I love you.”_

 

_“Zayn, it’s getting late. I hope nothing bad has happened to you. I don’t know what I would do if I was to ever lose you. I love you. P.S. I’ll never get tired of saying it too much cause it’s the truth. I love you Zayn Malik! NH_

 

_“Babe we’re leaving but Josh wants to get some dinner. I’m gonna stop by his place to have some pizza and he’ll drop me off at yours so we don’t need to drive two cars tomorrow. I hope you’re feeling better. NH_

 

_“You are my world babe. I can’t wait to come home to you so we can cuddle the night away. I’ll be home in a few.”_

 

By this point, I feel like a complete asshole. Every message was filled with love, and I couldn’t help but shed tears into Liam’s warm chest. He still had one message to go, but I really didn’t feel like opening it.  _Niall . . . he loved me so much and here I am being unfaithful to him! I know this is what I always wanted, but at what cost? At the cost of losing a good friend? The person who was there for me one I thought I had no one? The boy who took my first kiss, when we had gotten drunk all those nights ago, seeing a broken piece of me and trying to mend it back to its working capabilities?_  Throughout it all, Niall was always there for me . . . but I always wanted more. I always wanted Liam. 

Why was I never happy with him?

Because my heart was already Liam’s . . .

_I knew I shouldn’t have dragged this on for too long. This was my fault!_  I was greedy, and didn’t want to hurt Niall’s feelings. But now, his feelings were going to hurt even more when he found out about the thing with Liam, and how I loved Liam since the very beginning. 

Liam is soothing me, running his fingers through my hair. 

“What’s the matter, Zayn,” he asked. “Who was that?”

It takes me a minute to respond. 

“Niall,” I cried into his chest. “He’s going to hate me when he finds out, and I know I have to tell him. You have to leave, Liam. He’ll be here any minute.” But then I realized that he had one last text left. Maybe it was Niall saying that he was just going to crash at Josh’s house instead? That would give me at least one day to recuperate and tell Niall what had happened. It was time to come clean about my feelings with Liam. 

I opened the last message. 

 

_“Why wasn’t I good enough?”_

 

I cried harder, realizing what he meant. “Liam, he was here.”


	9. Chapter 9

\--------------------

Zayn’s lips compared to Danielle’s were off the chart. His lips were more softer and more juicy than that cheating bi---cheater! I can feel both of our wet faces in my hands as I cling on to my best friend for reassurance, acceptance and unconditional love. Zayn loved me more than the world, and at this moment, I felt the same. I’m kissing him, my mouth salvaging his sweetness and I realize how amazing it feels to be so close to Zayn. I claw his abs, to his waist and to his back as he strips me of my shirt and I step out of my boxers until I’m standing fully erect, and completely naked in front of my best friend. 

Zayn gasps when I lift him up, and he feels like a feather in my arms. My friend downstairs brushes against Zayn’s tender patch and I have to physically hold myself from combusting from such a close contact to the thing I’ve been yearning for all night. Zayn wraps his fingers in my hair, kissing me and I carry him towards his bed, throwing him on top and swiping the last article of clothing keeping me from penetrating him fully. 

I lick at my lips as I watch Zayn grow in front of me. He’s staring back at me with his big, beautiful hazel eyes and there’s a small smirk on his lips as he moves his hand down his body, until they’re at the entrance. My entrance! And he’s circling his finger there, teasing me, knowing full well how badly I wanted to be inside of him. 

I start towards him, controlling my urge, and giving him a tease show as well. His eyes are looking at me, mostly to my cock and I twitch as I know that he wants this just as badly as I do. Sinking onto him, Zayn finds my hair and I feel as if he’s clinging on for life.  _Oh fuck yeah, you better be clinging on for life. I’m about to make you all mine._  

Slowly and deliberately, I rub myself against his hole, grinning widely when I see Zayn squirm like a worm beneath me. I look down at his wanting face, tilting my head to the side. “Is there anything I can help you with, Zayn?” I smiled, rubbing myself, which was only causing problems for the both of us. I wasn’t sure how long I was going to last at this point. “You look like you need something,” I continued to tease my little earthworm. “Maybe a glass of water perhaps? Your throat might be a little parched from all the salt you had consumed earlier,” I winked. 

Zayn groaned like a lost puppy. 

“Li, come on,” he said, clinging onto my broad shoulders. I can feel Zayn’s butt moving provocatively against me, slyly trying to be penetrated, but I push my hand on his stomach, stopping him. 

“Uh uh uh,” I cooed, finding it enjoyable to tease my best friend with my body. He really did want me. Badly. My grin widens, but quickly disappears when Zayn pushes me off of him, sending me into the sheets and our positions are reversed. Zayn sits on me, leaving the head of my penis a small centimeter in his hot, waiting, pulsing hole. A couple hisses and cussing escapes my lips and I want to fuck him. Now. 

“Doesn’t feel nice being teased when you want something so bad, now does it?” It was his turn to wear the smirk as he rubs himself over my oversensitive head. 

I can’t control anything that leaves my mouth. I am like putty in Zayn’s hands. 

I try penetrating him but when I do, Zayn lifts up. 

“Uh uh uh,” he cooed teasingly, constantly keeping a smooth, sexy rhythm. _I want to fuck him now! His hole feels so fucking tight and I know that when I’m in, I’ll probably come seconds later, but I don’t care._  The tension that built in my stomach is craving release and I just need to fuck Zayn now. 

And if he read my mind, Zayn’s ass is around me, his hot hungry hole squeezing around my throbbing cock and I swear I’m about to cum in his ass. 

“Oh fuck shit,” I say incoherently, clawing at Zayn’s thighs, keeping myself from busting into his deep, tight hole.  _Whatever you do, you cannot cum now Liam! You must not cum now or you won’t have more time to do things to him that would make the sluttiest porn star blush._  

I closed my eyes, feeling Zayn tighten around me. Don’t cum, Payne. Don’t cum.

Feeling Zayn sink lower onto my length, I can feel myself tapping his prostate and I can feel myself all the way in. My eyes flash open as I feel the first tremors trying to escape out of my body. I grab Zayn’s waist viciously, making sure to fuck him good while my dick is still rock hard. I’m panting, feeling so hot, wanting this moment to last forever. This was the best sex I ever had. Zayn’s ass was like heaven. A tight, hot, fucking sexy piece of heaven. 

I stare into Zayn’s eyes, finding it unimaginable that we finally crossed the lines of friendship, and are actually taking our relationship further and fucking! Was I even gay? How do I feel about this? Well . . . what I feel is Zayn’s fat ass on me and right now that is all that matters. 

“Zayn, I’m gonna cum,” I tell him breathlessly. 

Suddenly Zayn closes his eyes and grabs himself, stroking off. I can see him bite down on his juicy lip and soon there is strings of hot goo flying all over my chest and that is when I lose it. 

“Oh fuck. Zayn.” And I cum for hours, deep into Zayn’s hole. My fingers dig deep into his thighs, uncaring if they leave marks or not. We’re both screaming each others names and I pant breathlessly, feeling myself soften inside of Zayn’s just now, slippery, hot oasis. I don’t think I’ve ever cummed that much before. 

Instantaneously finishing unloading my orgasm into Zayn’s ass, he collapses on top of me and I can’t help but notice the beating of his heart rate. I had someone who loved me with all of his heart. Was I going to accept it and give Danielle’s back? What was I going to do? I mean, we just . . . made love---fucked? And it was the best night of my life. 

What does that say about my relationship with Danielle? 

Was I ever happy with her or what? And I think about it, sure I was happy with Danielle. But if worse comes to worse and I had to choose between my friend and my girlfriend---well, given the recent events, probably ex-girlfriend, I would always choose Zayn because he was there when I had no friends, and he was always the person I could trust and depend on. 

Zayn’s head shoots up, and he rolls on top of me grabbing his phone from the stand. I just now hear the soft buzzing enter the heated, midnight air. I can feel Zayn tense on top of me, and he has grown considerably quieter. Even his heart that was winding down, was now starting to pick up speed again. 

Zayn looks hurt, and I wanted to make it my duty never to make him feel pain again. So, I run my hands through his hair, hoping this kind gesture would get him to relax a bit. 

“What’s the matter, Zayn?” I asked, comforting him. “Who was that?”

He doesn’t respond for a while. 

“Niall,” and Zayn digs his face into my chest and starts crying. “He’s going to hate me when he finds out, and I know I have to tell him. You have to leave, Liam.”  _\--- Leave, but I don’t want to leave! I want to sleep with him tonight! --_ \- “He’ll be here any minute.”

And then Zayn stops again, looking back at his phone. He pressed a few buttons, looked at the screen with watery eyes before crying harder.  _Please don’t say I have to leave. I don’t want to._

“Liam,” Zayn says, his voice a whisper, “he was here.”

“He . . .” 

_Niall was here! When? Was he watching us? Just like this afternoon when the tables were reversed? Holy shit! Niall! What would he say? What would he do? Would he call Danielle and tell her what I just was doing?_

Zayn jumped off the bed and rushed towards the window. He moved the curtain, peered down and gasped. “Liam,” he screeched, turning back to me, already putting on clothes. “Niall, he’s here! He’s there!” he cried. “He’s lying in the snow and it looks like he’s---,” but Zayn doesn’t say anything else. 

I rush to put on my clothes and we’re rushing downstairs, finding the elevator to be taking longer then usual. We run down the staircase and out the door where we find Niall covered in a light inch of snow. We both drop beside him, turning Niall around and seeing his blue face cold and lifeless.

Zayn cries and I’m in shock.  _Is he dead? No! Fuck no! Niall can’t be dead!_

I place my ear next to his chest to feel that he’s breathing or if there’s a pulse.

There’s no sound. It is empty. 

I sobbed, harder than I had in my life. “Ni,” my voice choked. 

And then a weak beat. 

I look down at his blue face, seeing his eyes tighten and I sob harder. “He’s still alive,” I say, picking him up into my arms and carrying him back into the lobby. Zayn is knelt down in the snow, looking at nothing as I rush him to come upstairs. We need to get Niall warm, and we need to do it quickly. 

Leaving Zayn, I start rubbing Niall’s body, creating a heating friction as I wait for the elevator to go upstairs. My hands don’t stop moving, and I wait till I’m in the flat to strip out of my clothes, then strip Niall out of his before grabbing the quilt on top of the couch and placing it around the both of us. I don’t care if I’m naked with Niall. This is one of my best friends, and if this is what it took to keep him alive, I will do it. 

Niall’s skin is ice cold, and I bite against my distaste for the coldness and wrap all my limbs around him, trying to transfer my body heat to him. Rubbing him, keeping him warm, I hear Zayn walk through the door.

“Zayn hurry!” I say. “Niall needs all the heat we can possibly give him. Strip out of your clothes, come under the blanket and start rubbing him.”

The lost, fragile Zayn that I had left downstairs had disappeared, and in a flash, Zayn is naked, under the sheets, and we are both trying our best to keep our friend alive.


	10. Chapter 10

Reading Niall’s text message has my heart pumping and stopping all at the same time. He was here! He knew that I had cheated on him with Liam! He probably heard me say all of my secrets I had been keeping from him since forever!  _You would care if I told you I’m just using Niall to feel all my vented feelings I have for you . . . That every time I make love to Niall, every time he fucks me, I’m wishing it was you . . . The funny thing about that is, I would let you use me. If you asked me to swim, even when I can’t, I would. If you asked me to lie down and take it, I would service you with a smile. And if you told me to jump off the nearest building, I would . . . and hope that you’ll be on the ground, ready to catch me in your arms. You’re my only weakness, Liam. I only love you. The thing with Niall means nothing to me. I would give up my world to have a chance to be yours._  He probably was pissed. Beyond piss! Infuriated! Hotter than the pits of hell angry. I fucked up big time. 

I couldn’t stop myself from crying even if I wanted to. I had broken my close friend by not finding him good enough. Why couldn’t Niall be good enough for me? He was handsome, he had a very kind, loving heart, he treated me with the utmost respect, loved me for me and he was completely available! Why did I have to screw up a perfectly good, stable relationship for a hot lust-filled night with a boy who might not be here tomorrow? 

And the answer was always there. Never leaving my mind. 

It’s because I love Liam like a boyfriend, not a friend. 

It has always been Liam. No matter how bad or wrong that sounds. 

I .Love. Liam. 

That was it. That was all that there was to it. 

I had a chance to make love to Liam, after countless dreams, endless hoping and wishing, and pretending that Niall was Liam inside of my head, I had finally felt Liam intimately, and it was the best feeling I have ever felt in the entire world. And no matter what, I would not have changed a think about tonight. 

But maybe perhaps coming clean to Niall when he asked me what was wrong this afternoon. I should have been straight up with him about my feelings for Liam. And that I love him so much for always being their for me, but only as a friend. 

A good friend. A best friend. 

But what kind of best friend was I to use Niall as a play thing, only to know in the back recesses of my mind that when Liam came knocking, I would drop everything with Niall to run away with Liam?

A horrible one. 

Scratch that. 

A complete asshole that deserved to be alone for the rest of his life. 

“He . . .” Liam’s voice is soft, choked. He was probably just as surprised as I was to know that Niall had just caught us together. What else could the text message be for?  _Why wasn’t I good enough?_  It was a clear dialect that Niall must had found out about us when he stopped by to sleep over. Why couldn’t I be brave enough to tell Niall earlier? 

That’s right. Cause I was selfish to be alone. 

Every horrible thing I did in my life: lie to my parents, pick on my little sisters, be needy and greedy, pretend to love Niall the way he wanted, and the way he should have been treated. I thought of all my past mistakes, and knew that I was a monster for what I had done to Niall!

My shield. My protector. 

Rushing to the window, to see if he was still here, to try and calm him down to apologize for what had happened, I moved the curtain, peered down to the snow covered pavement and gasped when my eyes laid on a lump covered in snow, only a pair of green sneakers---Niall’s sneakers sticking out of the snow. I felt my heart drop and my body tense. 

“Liam,” I screeched, looking back at him, crying. This couldn’t be happening! Niall couldn’t be underneath all that snow! For how long? Is he---? I can’t bring myself to think about that alternative. “Niall, he’s here! He’s there!” I cried, relinquishing all the tears that fell freely. “He’s lying in the snow and it looks like he’s---,” but I can’t say it. 

It’s not true! It can’t be true!

Rushing to put on my clothes, Liam is frantically following behind me, both of us making a bolt towards the elevator. We’re both pushing the button, thinking that maybe if we pressed it together and continuously, the elevator would get here faster but it doesn’t. It’s lagging floor by floor and I don’t have time for this. Niall’s life is in jeopardy! Nothing can happen to him!

He doesn’t deserve this! 

We run down the staircase, taking hefty steps, almost tripping on each other before we reached the lobby door, and the body in the snow came back into view. I dropped down to Niall, pushing away the snow, revealing his cold, blue face.  _His face is blue! This is not looking good! This can’t be happening! Niall---he can’t be! I won’t believe it!_

I can’t do anything but stare at his poor, lifeless face and cry. I did this! I killed him! I was a coward to tell him the truth and Niall had to find out the hard way! By finding me in bed with Liam! By thinking that I probably never loved him but I did---I do! With all my heart. Niall was there for me when I had no one! So why did I have to do this to him?!

The tears are endless and painful. 

Nothing is clear to me anymore. 

Liam is checking for a pulse, and I can see it in his face that Niall is gone. “Ni,” his voice choked, and I knew that he hadn’t made it. 

_I killed Niall! I killed the boy who loved me! But who I was too selfish and greedy to not recuperate the exact feelings because I was never satisfied! Because I always knew that I wanted to be with Liam._  

There’s sobbing for a moment, then Liam’s head jolts up. 

“He’s still alive,” Liam said, picking Niall up from the snow and carrying him back into the complex. 

My body is stiffer than snow and I don’t follow them as soon as I should have.  _He’s alive! Niall’s alive!_  I can only comprehend that fact like my mind had erased all memories, but this one. 

Niall is alive. And I am going to apologize to him every second of my life. 

When I get to the flat, Liam and Niall are under the quilt. I can see the fear in Liam’s eyes as he’s rubbing Niall’s cold, colorless skin. 

“Zayn hurry!” Liam says frantically. “Niall needs all the heat we can possibly give him. Strip out of your clothes, come under the blanket and start rubbing him.”

In a flash, I am there, naked, under the sheets and feeling just how cold Niall’s skin is. I fight back my tears that border my eyes, blaming myself for doing this to him---my shield and my best friend when I needed one.

“I’m so sorry, Niall,” I whisper into his ear, rubbing my hands on his chest, down his waist and back up again while Liam tends to the back. I stare at Niall’s pale, bluish face, some tears unable to hold themselves back. “I love you so much. I never meant to hurt you. Please don’t die on me, Ni. You’re my best friend. Don’t die.”

The tears can’t help but fall. 

“I won’t be able to live with myself if anything happened to you. I hate myself for what I have done to you and I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me but I’ll spend my entire life making it up to you. Just wake up and let me show you.” 

I grab Niall’s face, feeling his ice-cold cheeks between my fingers. 

“Please wake up, Ni, so I can show you how much you mean to me.” 

Before I realize what I’m doing, I start kissing him; kissing his blue lips, to create heat and friction between the bluest part of his body. I swear I can hear Niall groan when I kiss him. 

With his head in my hands, I kiss his lips gently, looking back into his eyes every so often to see if he’s staring back at me. 

His blue gems are still closed. 

I kiss Niall again, crying for him to wake up. Wrapping his limp hand against my waist, I want him to touch me, to wake up . . . to not die.  _Niall can’t die! He just can’t!_

“Zayn,” says Liam. “What are you doing?”

Through the kisses, I speak.

“What do you think, Liam? I’m trying to save him!” 

“By kissing him?” he says softly. 

I can hear jealousy in his tone but I don’t have time to discuss what I’m doing now. Right now, saving Niall’s life is my top priority. Nothing else matters.

Nothing. 

Liam doesn’t say anything after that, his hands still rubbing circles around Niall’s warming body. 

Planting a long kiss on Niall’s lips, I start trailing kisses on his face, his hair, his collarbone, running my hands against his waist and I cuddle nearer to him, praying that Niall was going to make it out of this okay. 

“His temperature is warming,” Liam says. “His pulse is also growing stronger.” 

I don’t look at Liam. I can’t. His voice is sad and I have to be strong. For Niall’s sake. 

“Give me a call when Ni wakes up,” Liam says, getting up. 

“Don’t fucking do it,” I say, still keeping my eyes on Niall, holding back my tears. “Don’t you fucking leave me. Not now. Not ever Liam. I’m yours.”

“But . . . Ni,” he whispers. 

“He’s mine.”


	11. Chapter 11

Warmth. 

I wake up to a toasty warm feeling. Like I’ve been transported to somewhere near the equator. Maybe Hawaii on a beach filled with sand and tranquil sounds of waves brushing against the shore. I snuggle up into the warmness, smacking my chapped lips in my sleep. The warmth feels so good. This must be heaven. 

After all, I don’t think I could have survived passing out in the cold. I just couldn’t find the strength in me to deal with what I had witnessed. Zayn: the boy I love with all my heart, in the arms of one of my best mates. 

Was that what I was? 

A bargaining chip. 

A sex slave to feed Zayn’s urge and to be discarded like outdated clothes? How could he do that to me? How could he betray me and lie to me? 

I should have seen the signs earlier. 

The late night booty calls. The way he climaxed screaming Liam’s name. I should have known that he needed to think of someone else to get off. 

It was just verified. I was too ugly to love. Too Irish. Too blonde(which was just a lie). I was a brunette but management found it better for sales if I was a blonde. They just wanted to mask my ugliness. After all, out of all the boys, I was the one who needed most work for my appearance. 

The hair change, the braces, the muscle enhancers. 

_What will everyone think when they find my body in the snow? Will they freak? Will he even care that I’m dead?_

_Probably not._

_He’s_  too busy getting fucked by Liam “The Fucking Boyfriend Stealer” Payne. And how could Liam even go through with it being the only straight one of us in the group? 

Not so straight anymore . . .

Nor is he the sensible Daddy Directioner anymore. 

_Maybe Zayn’s daddy._

And the thought makes me feel anger all over again. I thought heaven takes away your anger, making anything you feel instant love? 

I squirm into the warmth, feeling a soft wall in front of me and a soft wall in back of me.  _Is this my casket? Holy fuck. Am I still alive but its too late because I’m already six feet under the ground! What the fuck! I’m trapped here without any air!_

My eyes spring open in a flash. 

What I see makes me irate and calm, all at the same time. My anger gets the best of me and I push away from the raven-haired boy. Turning my head, the other soft wall is Liam. Liam Fucking Payne! I push away from both of them, waking them up in a heartbeat. When I stand, I feel my knees give way and I’m kneeling, trying to get back up again. 

Zayn’s eyes are red-rimmed and runny.  _What the fuck was the cheater crying about? He felt guilty that I wanted to kill myself? He knew what he was doing! He knew that he was just using me the nights Liam was too busy screwing his girlfriend. I was just the little bit on the side!_

“Ni,” Zayn says smiling. “You’re awake.”

Even when I feel cold towards the lad, I can’t help but feel a little ray of light when I see his smile. I look away, using all my strength to lift me back to my feet. 

“I was better off dead.”

This has the room in silence. 

As I head for the door, I realize that there is a lot of wind in the apartment. But all the windows are closed and the fireplace is burning bright. I look down and my eyes open wide.  _I’m fucking naked! Why am I fucking naked?_

As I look back at the boys, I notice that they’re naked too! Zayn is standing up, looking up at me lost and apologetic.  _Save those crocodile tears. I don’t need your sympathy or pity._

“Where are you going Ni. You must be hungry. Let me heat up the leftovers from yesterday’s lunch.” 

_Ni? Does he honestly think that he has the right to call me by my nickname anymore? The only thing he should be calling me is his worst fucking nightmare because I’m going to make his life a living hell! And what is this? Trying to weaken me by using my soft spot for food? He was a fool if he think I’d fall for those tricks._

“Just leave me the fuck alone!” I yelled, shoving him to retrieve my damp clothes from the couch. 

“Ni,” Zayn whispered. “I’m so---.”

“Save your fucking fake apology you cheating son-of-a-bitch, I don’t need your sympathy. I’m a fucking grown ass man, I can handle this.”

“I didn’t say you weren’t a man, Ni.” Zayn stepped closer, the lost look still in his eyes. As for the cheater’s accomplice, he sat under the blanket, looking at us with those big fucking, bug-like eyes.  _So that was Zayn’s type?_

_The straight acting gay guys. The one who had girlfriends but liked sucking dick too._

_Liam wasn’t a man._

_He was a coward. And I bet he would ask Zayn to hide their relationship? That it would probably hurt his reputation if he was seen together with another boy. Especially now since he was still dating Danielle. I was going to make sure everyone in the world fucking new what had gone down._

_Zayn Malik: the cheating whore._

_Liam Payne: the fucking coward._  

My body radiated heat and I shoved on my wet clothes, walking back to the door. I don’t fucking care if I didn’t have a ride home. I just needed to get the fuck out of this place.

“Ni, please?” Zayn cried. 

“I’m not Ni to you, you fucking cheating bitch. I’m not even Niall to you. Got that?” I looked at Zayn’s lost expression. “I’m dead to you. And if you fuckers had just left me, I would have been dead to the world too.”

“But Ni,” he whimpered. 

I don’t know what went through me. 

I punched Zayn in the face. He flailed to the ground, Liam quickly getting up and wrapping his bitch in his arms. Zayn’s nose bled out. 

The coward looked into my eyes. 

“What the fuck, Niall? We just saved your life!”

“I didn’t ask you to,” I said darkly. I don’t even recognize my voice anymore. “The next time any of you fuckers say my name again, I’ll make sure your eyes don’t open.”

“Ni,” Zayn replied. Ni, Ni, Ni, Ni, NIIIII!” 

My fist tensed and I swung again. 

Liam stopped the punch, pinning me to the ground.

“Don’t you fucking lay another hand on him,” Liam growled. “I’ll break you limb from limb if I have to.”

For a coward, his grip was strong. I fought against him. 

Zayn grabbed my face in his hands, bringing me to his eyes. 

“I will not stop saying your name because I love you,” he said. 

“Let me go!” I yelled, looking back into his eyes. “You don’t fucking love me! You wouldn’t have done that to me if you did! I hate you! I fucking hate the both of you! Let me go!”

“NO!” Zayn cried, tears falling on my face. When I realized, it was mixing in with my own.  _Why am I crying? I shouldn’t be crying. He was the cheater. He was the one that lied to you and broke your heart. Stop crying!_

“Niall, you are my best friend and I love you.”

“Stop fucking lying!” I cried out, feeling my blood boil. “You never loved me! I heard everything you said or have you forgotten! ‘You’re my only weakness, Liam. I only love you. The thing with Niall means nothing to me. I would give up my world to have a chance to be yours!’” What the fuck do you have to say about that Zayn. You said it with your own mouth. You only love him! Not me! Never me!”

I’m caught off guard to what happens next. 

Zayn kissed me, holding my head inside of his hands. 

“I love you,” he said through the kisses.

I bite at his lips, drawing blood. The copper taste invades my mouth. 

Zayn doesn’t stop kissing me. 

“If this is the only way to make you see that I love you then fine. I love Liam . . . and I love you too Niall. Call me selfish but I don’t want to spend my life with either one of you.”

I break the kiss, fighting my head out of his grasp. I breathe in heavily. 

“That’s because you’re a whore,” I answered darkly. 

Zayn grasped my chin, eyeing me out again. 

“Niall please. I love you.”

My entire body goes limp. I stop fighting, even for a couple moments I stop breathing. 

“I don’t have time for your lies,” I said, feeling Liam ease his grip off of me. He walked to the kitchen, keeping an eye on me from the counter. 

I lay there exposed and weak. 

“I’m not lying Niall!” 

“Yes you are,” I cried, feeling tears run down my cheek. “No one has ever loved me. No one.”


	12. Chapter 12

I wake up suddenly, fully aware that Niall is up and about. My eyes hurt from crying myself to sleep last night and when I open them, Niall is kneeled on the ground, trying to gain balance on his feet. I rubbed my raw eyes, a sense of relief running through me. Niall was alive. He was here with me. Where he was always made to be. 

“Ni,” I said, smiling. “You’re awake.”

I look into Niall’s blue eyes. They’re slushy: not yet hard as ice, but not a water solution either. He looked stuck in his head. 

“I was better off dead,” he said.

For me the room suddenly seemed claustrophobic. Is was what I was dreading but something I knew what was to be expected. Niall was angry with me? After all, why wouldn’t he be? I was just caught making love with Liam, and he had almost succeeded in suicide if I hadn’t looked outside my bedroom window. I knew he was going to be angry with me. It was inevitable. 

Niall started heading for the door. I wondered if he realized he was naked. Liam had stripped him out of his clothes so we could transfer our body heat to him. Just as Niall reached for the door knob, he looked down, his precious blue gems going wide. He glanced at both me and Liam who have sat up during the process, waiting to see Niall’s reaction. We had dreaded the outcome of the morning after, and now that it’s here, all I’m hoping for is the best. 

Even when I know that I don’t deserve it. 

I stand up when I see Niall walking back. In a soft voice, I speak. 

“Where are you going Ni? You must be hungry. Let me heat up the leftovers from yesterday’s lunch.” He must be starving for being out in the cold, for God knows how long. I thought about what might have happened if no one had found him and my insides bend into different directions. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if worse had come to worse. 

I’m caught in my head, fighting back my guilt rising inside of my throat like boiling acid. 

“Just leave me the fuck alone!” 

Niall shoved me aside, bringing me back to the now. 

“Ni,” I said softly, catching myself before I fell to the ground. Niall picked up his damp clothes, putting them on. “I’m so---.”

“Save your fucking fake apology you cheating son-of-a-bitch, I don’t need your sympathy. I’m a fucking grown ass man, I can handle this.”

My worst thought realized. He’s angry. 

“I didn’t say you weren’t a man, Ni.” I stepped closer, thinking of things I could say to make him stay. I didn’t want Niall to leave. Because I felt that if he left, it would be the last time I would ever see him again. 

Niall looked as if he was about to explode, shoving his shirt on and walking for the door once more. I knew I shouldn’t have expected anything more. I was selfish. A cheater. A son-of-a-bitch like Niall had said. I didn’t deserve to be alive. And I knew that I didn’t deserve him. 

But it took me all up to last night, when his life hung in the balance, that I didn’t want to lose him. I was Liam’s, and that couldn’t be changed. But Niall . . . Niall was mine. Call me selfish but I wanted both of them. 

“Ni, please?” I felt the tears running down my cheeks. 

“I’m not Ni to you, you fucking cheating bitch. I’m not even Niall to you. Got that?” 

Niall turned around, staring daggers into me. 

“I’m dead to you. And if you fuckers had just left me, I would have been dead to the world too.”

“But Ni.”

Then all of a sudden I was on the ground, my face burning and swelling from a sudden pain. Niall had punched me and Liam quickly had his arms around me, tilting my chin to stop the bleeding coming from my nose. 

“What the fuck, Niall?” Liam shouted. “We just saved your life!”

“I didn’t ask you to. The next time any of you fuckers say my name again, I’ll make sure your eyes don’t open.”

A wave of emotions rushed through me. He was going to be what I had dreaded. 

An old friend. 

“Ni.” I said it without thinking. “Ni, Ni, Ni, Ni, NIIIII!” It’s like my brain is detached from my body. 

Niall tensed, leaning closer to swing again. 

This time Liam is gone and he has pinned Niall next to me, holding his hands in a vice grip above his head. 

“Don’t you fucking lay another hand on him,” he growled. Liam’s veined popped from the side of his neck. “I’ll break you limb from limb if I have to.”

I grabbed Niall’s face, forcing him to look into my eyes. I was going to show him how sorry I was for what had happened. Nothing was his fault. This was my fault. I chose to sleep with Liam and now I’ve created something I always despised. 

A bitter lover. 

“I will not stop saying your name because I love you.” 

And that’s the truth. I always told myself that it was just Liam I loved. But now, I loved Niall as well. I had always loved Niall but I was just so selfish and caught up with my infatuation with Liam to realize it. 

“Let me go! You don’t fucking love me! You wouldn’t have done that to me if you did! I hate you! I fucking hate the both of you! Let me go!”

Niall’s angry seeped through me. 

“NO!” I cried, letting my tears fall on Niall’s face. “Niall, you are my best friend and I love you.”

“Stop fucking lying!” he cried. “You never loved me! I heard everything you said or have you forgotten! ‘You’re my only weakness, Liam. I only love you. The thing with Niall means nothing to me. I would give up my world to have a chance to be yours!’ What the fuck do you have to say about that Zayn. You said it with your own mouth. You only love him! Not me! Never me!”

_What can I do to show him I love him?_  

When Niall repeated what I told Liam, before he took me into the bedroom and made love to me, I realized how those words could hurt Niall so bad. It hurt me realizing what hid behind those words. I had literally said that I didn’t love Niall and I was using him. But I do love Niall. It took me awhile to get here, but I love him. 

So much. 

I kissed Niall, figuring this way to be the fastest to show how much I love him. Liam is still restraining him, and I am holding him in my shaky hands, feeding him my love with kisses. Niall bit my lip and I can feel the stinging and the taste of blood invade my mouth. 

But I don’t stop kissing him. 

Not until he realizes that I love him. 

“If this is the only way to make you see that I love you then fine. I love Liam . . . and I love you too Niall. Call me selfish but I don’t want to spend my life with either one of you.”

Kissing him, Niall turned his head, pulling his face from my grasp. 

“That’s because you’re a whore,” he exhaled heavily. 

_I deserved that._  

I grabbed his chin, again.

“Niall please. I love you.”

Suddenly Niall stops fighting. He gives up fighting . . . just like he had given up fighting for his life yesterday. Niall looked away, the expression on his face, agonizing. 

“I don’t have time for your lies,” Niall whispered. 

Liam eased his grip off of Niall and walked to the kitchen from the counter.

“I’m not lying Niall!” I yelled. 

“Yes you are,” he cried, large tears falling from his eyes. "No one has ever loved me.”

And I realize that I did this. I broke this perfect human being because I was too selfish to realize what a good thing I had. I was greedy, thinking that Liam was the only one I loved, when I really wanted to spend my life with both of them. 

Wiping away Niall’s tears, I straddle him. Niall looked at me with confusion. 

“I don’t want to lose you Niall. Please understand how sorry I am for what I had done to you. I was stupid and selfish and I didn’t realize how much you mean to me until I thought I had lost you. You have been my best friend for a long time and I realized that I don’t want to live without you. Any of you.”

Niall doesn’t respond.

I kissed him softly on his lips, tasting the saltiness of his tears. Thankfully Niall doesn’t stop me. I moved against his lap, a small whimper escaping his lips. Niall ran his hand across my bare back, scratching marks that’ll take a while to fade away. 

“Please don’t leave Niall,” I whispered between the kisses. “I want you here with me. You are mine. You are broken and I want to fix you. The way I was broken and you fixed me. Remember that night when we got drunk together and you kissed me? I felt like my entire world was a waste of space but when you kissed me, my entire life perspective changed. You had given me life because back then I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t want to live in a world where I didn’t know love. But then you kissed me. And I felt it. I just took it for granted after awhile and that was my stupid mistake.”

I stared into Niall’s blue eyes, hoping my words would soak into him. 

“I’m greedy Niall. I couldn’t just have you. I needed Liam as well.”

“That’s because I’m not good enough,” he whispered sadly. 

“That’s the thing though Niall. You are good enough. You have always been good enough for me.”

“Then why have sex with Liam?”

I sighed. 

“It’s complicated to explain, Ni. But to put it in the quickest perspective, I just wanted both of you because when I’m with you two, my whole life and heart feels complete.”

I grabbed Niall’s hand, placing it on my heart. I placed my hand on Niall’s heart. 

“Do you feel that? It’s beating together. 

Niall listened to our hearts beating and looked at me in a flash. 

“They are,” he said. 

“Li, come here.” 

Watching from the counter with guarded eyes, Liam walked towards us and knelt down. I placed Niall and my free hand on Liam’s heart, feeling all three of us beat in sync.

“We’re not complete without each other,” I spoke. 

“But I’m selfish too,” Niall managed, pulling his hands away from both Liam and my heart. “I want you all to myself.”

Liam’s chocolate gaze turned to me. 

“Me too,” he agreed.

I shook my head. 

Shyly, my hand explored Niall’s chest till it rested on his shaft. I squeezed it. 

Niall closed his eyes, whimpering. 

“Reckon it’s about time I take my leave,” Liam said, standing up. 

“Bye,” Niall managed. 

I grabbed Liam’s hand. 

“I told you last night don’t you ever leave me. Not now. Not ever Liam.”

All this time I had avoided his eyes but now I’m staring into them. 

“I want both of you.” I pulled him back down till he was laying beside Niall. They both looked at each other and then to me. “I want both of you,” I said again, “to make love to me.”


	13. Chapter 13

The words were out of my mouth before I had time to filter them.  _I want both of you to make love to me._  It hung in the air like a bad joke. Niall and Liam glared at each other with wide eyes, then looked back at me. It wasn’t like me to take back what I said, but being caught in the moment, I realized that what I asked of them would be physically impossible. They both were well endowed.  I mean,  _well_ endowed. I had difficulty coping with one, nonetheless having them both inside of me at the same time. It would have sounded completely ridiculous, but why not do it? Why not show both of them my offer? That I want to see where our relationship would take the three of us. Why should I have to choose between them, when one of them would suffer from a broken heart? Why not share my heart? After all, I do love the both of them, and I would hate to crush one of them. 

I made that mistake last night and it brought me nothing but heartache. 

Niall had almost died and it was all my fault. 

That could not happen again. 

It was time to show both of them how much I wanted this to work. 

Niall hesitated as I reached for the button of his pants, pushing it past his smooth, pale legs and flew it across the room. He grabbed my hand when I reached up for his underwear. 

“Zayn.” He muffled a breathless moan. “I don’t want this.”

But I could physically see the lie. The fabric of his boxer started moving, and as we both looked at it, he sighed once more, letting my hand go. I grabbed at the waistband greedily, pulling it down his legs and flying it aimlessly as I did with his pants. 

Pressing a small kiss to the head of Niall’s dick, it immediately grew hard. He squirmed on the floor, whispering my name in his needy voice. I licked at the rod, tasting the cool taste of Niall inside of my mouth. I opened my mouth wide, taking his long, thick Irish length inside of my mouth and almost gagging. I don’t know why I gagged because I had sucked Niall off on more than one occasion. But perhaps my throat was swollen from crying the entire night away. 

Humming around Niall’s tasty meat, I looked at him through heavy lidded eyes, reveling in the way he came undone from my mouth. Pushing further down, feeling him swell down my throat, Niall placed both hands on the side of my head, holding my mouth down as I choked around him. I could feel my eyes water. I swiped a tongue at Niall’s slit, sniffing his sweet scent as he loosened his grip and bobbed my head on his dick in a steady, slow beat. 

A whimper came from my side.

I glanced at Liam who pouted, his cock aching with need. It was already hard, whether from him stroking it or from just watching me go down on Niall. Either way I grabbed his over-sensitive cock. He hissed at the friction, thrusting his cock into my hand. 

“Come closer, Li,” I said softly, resting my head gently on the tip of Niall’s blunt head. “Kneel beside Niall so I can suck you off at the same time.”

Liam obliged, kneeling his way towards my mouth. 

Kitty-licking Liam’s head, I watched as he unravelled under my touch and I wondered if this was Liam’s first blow job.  _Might as well make his first blow job the best one he ever had._  I hummed on his cock, the vibrations sending his body in a spasm. Liam still tasted like me from last night, and I sucked him off while keeping a steady beat on Niall’s cock. 

Pushing their cocks together, I wielded them as one, opening my mouth wider as it tried to accustom having both of them in my mouth at the same time. My lips were parted as far as possible, and it still wasn’t enough to fit the both of them. 

Still holding them as one, I blew the cocks as if they were one. Running my shy tongue around both of them, I licked on both of them as if I were sucking on a popsicle. With small, tasting licks, I got moans from the both of them. They both tasted heavenly. Better than my favorite treats. Their cocks have climbed the charts of being my favorites. 

Thinking their cocks well lubricated I stopped sucking. Looking at them with warm eyes, they knew what I wanted. Niall grabbed the side of my waist, taking me on him until I straddled, bareback, on top of his pulsing cock. 

Leaning down, I placed a quick kiss on his lips, staring him lovingly in the eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” I apologized. “For everything.”

“ ‘S’nothing,” Niall moaned, lining himself to my entrance. He pushed but I instinctively tightened, making it impossible. “Loosen up, babe.”

I closed my eyes, controlling my breathing.  _This was it._  

There was a loud growl and the empty feeling hitting my backside. 

“What the fuck!” Niall hissed, propping himself on both elbows. 

“He needs to relax,” Liam replied from behind me. A second later I realized what he meant when I felt his tongue near my hole. I moaned in pleasure, dropping chest to chest with Niall, feeling Liam’s long, swift tongue swipe at my heat. 

“Oh, Li,” I moaned. 

Niall’s eyes raged like a thunderstorm. I looked at him, his nose flaring. I rested my elbows on the side of his head, grabbing fistfuls of his hear, his eyes meeting mine. I licked Niall’s pursed lips with my tongue. He resisted for a moment, then he responded by biting my bottom lip. Hard. 

I smiled into the kiss, feeling as his teeth grazed against my throat and collarbone. 

“Oh fuck, Ni. Fuck me already. Shove your dick in my ass.”

Niall bit hard at my throat, moaning at my words. 

Just then I feel Liam’s tongue lift, and Niall pushed inside of me without warning and with ease and I scream at his ruthlessness. His thrusts are swift and hammering that it knocks the breath right out of me. 

“Oh fuck, Niall,” I moaned, my hands clutched to his shoulders, arching my spine, feeling as his cock digs deeper. “Right there. Oh,  _fuck_.” Niall swiftly thrusted inside of me, every time, I felt the wind knock out of me. 

I gasped, feeling Niall’s thrust hit me like a freight train. Pulling myself off, Niall takes a hold of my waist and slams me down on top of his length, until I can physically feel myself rip. 

“Niall,” I groaned in pain. “Niall, stop. You’re hurting me. Stop.”

Niall’s eyes are icy and dark. His grip grows tighter and his swifts grow faster and more prominent, like a sharp blade. 

I started crying, feeling my stomach rip into shreds. 

“Niall, stop! STOP PLEASE!”

With one last slam, Niall hissed, cumming deep inside of me. 

My tears fall down his chest and I looked at him, wondering what was wrong. His eyes were expressionless. He softened inside of me. Taking a firm grip on my waist again, Niall pulled me off, throwing me on the ground. He stood up, grabbing his clothes in a hurry as I stared at Liam who looked at him with bloodthirsty eyes. 

“WHAT THE FUCK!” Liam bellowed, rushing to tackle Niall down. 

“Li.” And he stopped. “Li, let him go,”  I cried. 

Niall smirked devilishly, pulling on his pants and then leaving with his shirt thrown over his shoulder. “Liam’ll cover my tab,” he said, waving me off. “I think about a five should cut it. That is the starting rate for bitches nowadays, isn’t it?” 

He chuckled softly, opening the door. 

And then he is gone. 

Liam breathed heavily, his nose flaring as he’s staring at the now closed door. I can feel my entire body ache and I call out his name. He turned, quickly making his way to me. He had knelt down, bringing our faces together. 

“I’m sorry,” Liam managed, sobbing. “I’m so fucking sorry, Zayn. I should have pulled him off earlier. I’m so sorry. I thought it was nothing but then I saw the blood,” he cried. 

_Blood? What blood?_  

My eyes roamed around the room, seeing as the furniture and walls fused together. 

Liam grabbed my chin.  _When did he get two extra pairs of eyes and noses?_  

“Zayn.” His voice is firm, yet, faltering. “Zayn, look at me.”

“But there’s four of you,” I slurred, softly. Waving my hand in the air, I feel the soft surface of Liam’s cheek and I pat it softly. “There you are.”

“Zayn,” Liam cried. “Zayn, look at me.”

“Why is it raining?”

“Zayn,” his voice grew anxious. “Zayn. ZAYN!”

“Don’t be mad,” I said, phasing in and out. “It was my fault.”

The rain started pouring more heavily. 

I closed my eyes, hearing Liam scream my name one last time, realizing that I was finally in his arms. A small smile ghosted my lips at that notion, as the rainstorm continued on and everything around me went black.


	14. Chapter 14

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_Don’t be mad. It was my fault_. That’s what he said. It was his fault that Niall caused anal tearing and made him completely drained and weak the night before. It was his fault that there was a large, purplish bruise on his cheek where Niall had punched him. It was his fault that he lost a large amount of blood. It was his fault that he had been stuck in a coma for over three days, wired on IV drips, an oxygen mask and heart monitor. 

I sighed, wiping a few stray tears that fell as I looked at my best friend laid on the sterilized, white bed. It wasn’t Zayn’s fault that any of this happened.

It was mine. 

I took advantage of him. 

I knew how much he wanted to be with me when I first caught him having sex with Niall; and even when he confessed his undying love for me, I still took him for what he was willing to offer. I was selfish. I caused this. If I just controlled my urge to drive to his house---to tell him that ‘I’m going to fuck the shit out of you’ and proceeding to do so . . . Zayn wasn’t the one who almost killed Niall, and Niall wasn’t the one who had almost killed Zayn, I was the attempted murderer. If I had just been faithful to Danielle and kept my distance from Zayn, when I knew he had a different set of feelings, I could have saved the three of us the weekend of pain. 

“He’ll be fine,” Zayn’s doctor walked into the room, placing a hand on my shoulder. “He just needs a lot of rest. You should go home, have a nice shower, get some rest. You’ve been here since he was omitted.”

I never took my eyes off Zayn. “No. He needs me. He’s my best friend.”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine for a couple hours.”

I turned towards the doctor, feeling my eyes grow red. 

“I said  _no_ ,” I gritted through my teeth. 

The old man sighed, nodding. “Well I’ll be back every so often to check up on you two.”

I turned back around, staring at Zayn who hadn’t moved an inch anywhere. The only thing that kept me sane was his heart beating on the monitor and the small heaves of his chest as they grow and fall. Zayn was alive and he would be awake soon. That is all I was worried about. 

My best friend was going to wake up and I was going to apologize for everything. 

In the afternoon, Harry and Louis showed up with a large bouquet of roses and balloons. Harry placed them near the side of the bed as Louis walked around the bed, getting in with Zayn and placing a soft kiss against his temple. 

“Still no change,” Harry asked, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. 

They’ve been here every day since I called them. As for Niall, he played the role, cried in front of Harry and Louis but always made excuses not to visit Zayn. 

Coincidentally, I heard he took a flight back home to Mullingar because something was wrong with his great-grandmother. Out of everyone I knew that he was lying. He probably fled home because he felt guilty for doing this to Zayn. 

“Please wake up Zaynie,” I overheard Louis whisper into Zayn’s ear. “I know how much you love your beauty sleep, but anymore sleep and you’ll be Aphrodite herself!” He chuckled, moving some strand of hair away from Zayn’s forehead. “Please wake up, so help me I’ll steal all your hair gel.” We laughed softly. 

I settled down into my chair, relaxing a bit as the boy’s talked to Zayn. There were some moments when he moved and grunted but he always went back into that same position after a while. I just hoped he would wake up soon so we could talk about what would happen between the both of us. 

“I’m starving Hazza,” Louis whined after the nurse refilled the liquid nutrients that were shoved into Zayn’s veins. 

“Surely the sight of ten inch needles being shoved into your mate’s arm really does make food more than appetizing.” Harry had taken residence on my lap. I didn’t mind but Louis did glare more than usual when he first took notice. 

I couldn’t help but chuckle, even when it took more energy out of me then running for hours. I looked around Harry, seeing Louis sitting up from the bed.

“Food does sound nice,” I added, feeling my stomach grumbling. When was the last time I ate anyways? I don’t think I ate anything since going to Zayn’s place. 

Patting Harry on the back, he stood and I followed. 

“Didn’t anyone tell you you smell like a beer stained alleyway mate?” Harry smirked. 

“I never wanted to leave Zayn’s side since he first came here,” I said. 

“That’s best friend status, eh? I hope someone’ll do that for me if god forbid something like this happened to me.”

“I will!” Louis shrieked, following us out of the room. 

Before the door closed, I looked at Zayn’s resting, immobile body and sent a silent farewell to him, then being death glared by Louis as Harry tugged me against his waist and we set off for the cafeteria on the second floor. 

The perks of being in a hospital is the seclusion and the food. I don’t know if I was just hungry or because the food was just  _that_  good but it was the first since I was a kid that I actually went back in line for a second helping. 

“Excuse me.” There was a soft pat on my shoulder. 

I turned around and a middle-aged woman with bird nest hair the color of chocolate, and bags under her eyes looked back at me. 

“I’m sorry to interrupt you, but aren’t you one of the boys of One Direction.” Fans really came in all shapes and sizes. 

I smiled warmly. “Yes, I am.”

A few silent tears fell from her face. She wiped them away quickly, trying to mat down her hair into a more straighter do. 

“I don’t mean to be a bother---I mean, I know you’re eating and you probably have a loved one in here who you’re caring for.” I did. I do.  _Zayn_. “But my daughter is a huge fan and she would be so happy if you could come and visit her, maybe even sing her a song.” 

Her voice was shaky. 

“I don’t have any money,” she stuttered, “but I---I mean, we, my daughter and I, would really appreciate it. Me especially. Just to see her smile one last time.”

I looked down at my food and sighed. Placing it back on to the stand, I smiled. 

“Just let me grab a few of my friends and we’ll meet you there. What room is your daughter in?”

The woman let out a loud sob. 

“Thank you so much, you have no idea what this is going to mean to her.”

I fetched Harry and Louis, asking if they could help me out and sing to the little girl. We took the elevator to the next floor above us and walked into her room. 

I stopped dead in my tracks when I seen the girl lying on top of the bed. She was covered in a One Direction blanket, a few posters scattered around the room. She must have been a long term patient because it didn’t look much like a hospital room like Zayn’s. It was covered in her personal belongings: stuffed animals, plush pillows, posters, and even five dolls that she held in her arms. Upon walking closer, they were dolls of us: the boys of One Direction. 

But that wasn’t the reason for the moment’s pause. The girl looked no older than four and her skin looked aged and gray. Her heart monitor played slowly. Really slowly as if it was counting down its last second. 

I could hear Louis sob behind me. Harry walked slowly across the room, looking down at the girl, unmistakingly tears falling onto the sheets. He leaned down and placed a kiss on the side of her cheek. 

“Hello beautiful.” His voice wasn’t the playful one he used down in the cafeteria. It was much more lower and sadder. “I heard that you were our number one fan.” I could sense he tried his best to keep himself from crying. 

As for Louis and I, we stood in the middle of the room balling our eyes out. The girl’s mother sat in the corner, her shaking head held together between her knees. 

Harry turned around, moving his hair out of his face. The outsides of his eyes were red and runny. He wiped them away, motioning for us to stand beside him. 

Louis closed in the distance, kissing the girl on the cheek and I followed in suit. We stood on the edge of the bed, hearing the hoarse of her breathing slowly declining, and the anguish in her face start growing. 

“What was her favorite song?” Harry asked, never leaving the girl’s face. 

Her mother sobbed. “Moments,” she cried. “She always smiled when I put it on.”

I held back my tears and began. 

_“Shut the door, turn the light off, I wanna be with you, I wanna feel you love, I wanna lay beside you, I cannot hide this, even though I try.”_  My tears are involuntarily. I’m crying. My voice getting suck in my throat, but I keep on. 

_“If we could only have,”_  Harry took over,  _“this life for one more day, if we could only turn back time.”_  Then we all sang together, in sad, heartbreaking unison. 

_“You know I’ll be, your life, your voice, your reason to be, my love, my heart, is breathing for this. Moment in time, I’ll find the words to say, before you leave me today.”_

The young girl cracked a tiny smile. Then her heart monitor stopped completely. 


	15. Chapter 15

The day is peaceful. Kind. The last ray of sunshine fell over the distant mountains, dulling softly into the pads of green, rubbery forestry miles off into the setting sun. The breeze is warm as the sun says its last goodbye. It is slow. The sun takes its time diminishing behind the tall mountain, and with its departure brings a mellow gray into its once treasured sky, as the soft, fluorescent light of the moon shines with the array of twinkling stars. 

I sit near my windowpane, hands crossed against the sill, watching the sunset. My vision is blurry, eyesight stained with sticky tears. It has been this way for awhile. Keeping up a facade when really all I wanted was to be like the sun. To disappear after a long day, and never come back up, again. 

A soft acoustic lullaby is playing in the background, the tall grains of grass in the orchard brushing against each other with the dance. I missed the serenity; the peace. I feel the warm air of home envelope my flushed face, embracing me as I take my last breaths. Here is a good place to rest. 

The sky darkens, and the air begins to turn cold. The crickets are chirping beneath the moonlight, and the owl is flying high above the sky. It soars near the moon, it’s white wings, casting a shadow around the field. He hoots loudly, soaring through the winter sky. He is high above. He is careless. And, he is free. 

I wipe away the dry tears from my face with the collar of my shirt. I walk towards my desk, sitting down in a small haste, and begin my farewell. 

\-------------------

Dear Harry, 

You were a great guy to have around. You were always there when I needed someone to talk to, a best friend when the time called for it. I’ll always remember the good times we shared together, getting totally drunk in the hotel suite, playing jokes on the other boys and just rocking out to sick beats when we were in studio working on our songs together. I remember when I first met you, you were this young spitfire that was so carefree and just fun to be around. I liked that about you. That no matter how your day was going, whether you were tired, or irritated with the way we’ve been acting, you always had that big grin on your face. You were never angry with me or yelled at me for that matter. You were my partner in crime, and I will never forget all the pranks we pulled of together. The best was when we switched Louis’s hair gel for mayonnaise and he ended up smelling like rotten eggs for a week. I’ll miss the jokes, the fun and the laughter. And I hope you continue to smile even after you’ve read this because you have a million dollar smile. You shouldn’t waste a second of it, frowning. I want you to promise to smile after you’ve read this and now that I’ll be smiling with you. 

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Dear Louis, 

You are one big sass cat . . . but I would never change that for the world. You had your moments of being a diva, and although I might have been a little cross with you more than I would have liked, I want you to know that I’ve always admired your undying wit and snarky personality. You were never afraid to speak your mind, you always did what you wanted to do, and you never gave a damn about what anyone thought about you. You are brave, confident and a sassy ass(I didn’t come up with the name, Harry did!). But all in all, I admired you for being exactly who you are. There’s not many people with that much tenacity, and I wished I could have been strong like you to face another day. But that’s one thing I learned out of everything, we are all designed differently, and are so different from each other that it’s like eating peanut butter and celery. Well, for me at least. Apart, they don’t taste good as they do together. We were polar opposites, but we had one driving force in common. We both loved each other, apart from the name-calling and sarcasm, I knew you held a special place in your heart for me as I’ve held one for you in mine. And a word of advice if you feel like the word is being to hard on you, never change who you are. You’re perfect, flawless and a beautiful person inside and out. 

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Dear Liam, 

I wish I had more words to say to you than this but if you break his heart, I swear to God I’ll find you and kill you myself.

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Dear Josh, 

I think out of everyone you’re the hardest for me to write to. After all, you’re the one who didn’t want me. You were the one who told me that we needed space, and that you wanted to test the waters. I still hate those words. I still hate you. But with all this hate that I have stemmed in my heart for you, there is also love. An abundance of it. When we first met, I knew there was something I loved about you. Your hands. I know it might sound like a totally stupid line but your hands played my heart like a drum. I know, I’m such a sappy ass writer. But you love it---or at least, you used to. You were my first love, and my music soul mate. We had the exact same music taste, and I think that’s how we first started knowing that we wanted something more . . . even if it were just for a little while. But hey, I’ll always love you, Joshie but I have to go. Test out the waters, as someone once said. 

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Dear Zayn, 

I want to fucking blow my brains out when I see your name, let alone hear it. I can’t even stop my tears from falling as I’m writing this to you. Out of everyone, you hurt me the most. I want to tear my hair out of my head, scream from the top of my lungs and go on a killing rampage. You know why? It’s because even after what we went through. With all my heart, I love you. I know. It’s fucked up that I love you with all my heart and soul after you broke me. After you threw me away like I was a piece of trash. But it’s true. I love you, Zayn Malik. I willingly gave my heart to you, and you didn’t want it. And I’m sorry. Sorry that I wasn’t good enough. That I did that to you. That hurts me the most because that wasn’t me. I don’t know who that was that took over my body. Please, don’t remember me like that. It was a mistake. A stupid fucking mistake and I hate myself, more than I hate you because of it. But fuck, Zayn. No matter how much I fucking hate you. My love for you always seems to outweigh the bad. I love you so fucking much. Forever. Or forever until my last breath. Just know that I’m going to take it while I think of the good times we spent together. Don’t forget the old me. Even as that image has already faded from my memories. Never forget the wonderful memories we shared together. I love you . . . to death. 


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